Vincents Tour

Our second to last day in Stratford consisted of an evening ghost tour through the centre of the town. Overall, there were about 20 of us in the group, made up of young and old. Our group leader was about 45 years old. It was his job to make the whole walk as atmospheric as possible, and so he took it upon himself to wear a large black tophat and long purple cape. Walking through the centre of town being led by him made us look like a cult.

The walk itself was nicely done. The briefing at the start of the walk was a certain highlight for all the wrong reasons. As Vincent began to tell us about this ancient ghost that haunted the theatre, the occasional silence was broken by the sound of kids in a Vauxhall Corsa drifting around the corner at high speed, bopping their heads to the sound of some R n' B shite.



Another moment that made me laugh to myself was when we were led down the street and our guide suddenly stopped, and we were all left wandering what tale of tragedy and death he was about to unleash. I then looked up and realised Vincent was stood under a massive 'Currys Digital' sign. In almost perfect comedic timing, another set of kids drove past and decided to slow down upon seeing our group, before yelling "I like ghosts, yehhhhhhh!"

It could be argued these encounters spoiled the atmosphere, but I feel they added a whole lot more. Unfortunately, Vincent didn't react to these moments. I bet he gets alot of verbal drive-bys.

Witchcraft Museum

Went to the Museum of Witchcraft today. Basically, it was a 3 floor converted house that we were able to explore with the help of fluorescent stickers pointing out the knackered low-hanging beams. Our 'guide' around the house was a tall fella, and he decided that it would be worth putting a sorting hat (like the one from Harry Potter) on each of our heads to see which 'house' we'd end up in. I ended up in 'Hufflepuff'. Not sure how to react to this, So I've got nothing else to add. [..?]


This freaky ginger thing was lurking around one of the many [low-hanging] corners of the Witchcraft Museum. I feel sorry for the poor bastard who has to lock up the place at night. Must be a nightmare.

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Windswept

Went on the bus tour of Stratford. Learnt alot about William Shakespeare. I've got some pictures below of what was seen. In other words, my personal highlights.

Naturally, I've only uploaded these pictures of Stratford squaller for comedic value. The tour itself was actually really nice. Sadly, sitting at the top of the bus turned out to be a bad idea after Hurricane Katrina-style winds engulfed us as the bus drove at high speed down a long and winding country road. All in all though, it was a nice little adventure on wheels.

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Shop Window Horror

I was shocked to find the picture below in a shop window in Stratford. It was part of a poster that was advertising family portraits. Upon first glance, you'd just assume it's a normal sweet and innocent looking girl posing for a picture, right? If that was the case; you'd be wrong. If you take your time and look closer, you'll see what I see - Pure evil. Evidence:


Now what I want to know is who on earth would want a portrait of that!? No offence to the girl, but If she flew out my womb, I'd try and stuff her back in.

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Bus Hops

Today we plan to go on a 'hop on / hop off bus' around Stratford. Not sure what this is going to involve. I'm not sure where we're hopping on. I'm not sure where we're hopping off. I'm not sure if hopping is compulsory. Should be an enlightening day.

We also planned to go to the Museum of Witchcraft, which ( according to the leaflet ) is the 'most haunted Museum in England'. In the end though, we decided to save that adventure for another day.

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From Russia With Love

Arrived in Stratford-Upon-Avon today as part of a mini 4 day excursion / adventure. The idea of coming here was to enjoy the "ye-olde" style buildings and historic streets, however this dream fell on it's arse shortly after passing a large B&Q D.I.Y warehouse just outside the town centre.

Our accommodation is nice. it's basically a bachelor pad surrounded by cobble streets and tourist traps. For example, there's a fudge shop opposite the birth-place of William Shakespeare, which is about 3 minutes walk away from us. My first impressions of the town were pretty good; I saw the area as quaint and innocent. Strangely, this changed after a 10PM trip to the nearby 'One-Stop' for some 'Fanta Lemon'.

As I waited in line to pay I couldn't help but notice around 80% of the people in line were Russian. I could tell this not only from their accents, but also from the fact that one of them was called 'Boris'. It turned out that the man behind the counter was also Russian, and upon realising this the group of Russian men in line all decided to high-five this man in turn. Ironically, his name was 'Dimitri', the second most stereotypical Russian name in existence (Shortly behind 'Boris')

It was like entering an English corner shop for some lemonade and walking out into Moscow city centre.

This is one of the houses along the main street. Apparently, It's Shakespeare's birth-place. To be honest, one of my geeky dreams is to fashion a time machine out of cogs and wheels and travel back in time to meet the man himself. It'd be a disappointment if he turned out to be a miserable bastard, though.

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Pub Brawls

I like the way insults have evolved over time. For example, if because of some horrible misunderstanding I sparked a pub fight, the sort of insults flying around from fellow brawlers would undoubtedly be along the lines of, "I'm gonna' snap you like a Twiglet!"

Back in Shakespeares day these insults weren't even on the horizon. They had to settle for phrases like "I'll unhair thy head, villain!" personally I like these types of insults more. The fact that in reality they're really not offensive at all adds to their charm. Although, I imagine if I threatened to 'unhair' a mans head during a riot in the year 2009, the only head being 'unhaired' would be mine.

[ Picture courtesy of www.clker.com ]

Bush Fanatic

Ended up having a look around a small town within the New Forest at the weekend. It was an odd town because it seemed to pride itself on the fact it's shops had a 'spooky' / witchcraft style and theme. To me, it was just weird. There were clay models of scantily clad bunnies bending over in the shop windows, as well as supposedly 'magical' stones and wands.

I remember one of the shops in particular because the second I walked in I said to myself, "Somebodies died in here recently". I'm not sure what made the place particularly eerie. Perhaps it was the elderly-peoples-home-esque carpet, or the man who was stood completely motionless behind the counter in a trance. Perhaps it was down to the fact that the musty air and collection of £10 pink slippers arranged on the various rotting and dusty shelves actually made me feel like I'd aged 50 years.

In one of the shops there was a clay model of a tractor cutting a bush. It was £500. No joke. What kind of lonely soul would spend that much money on a model of a bush. A Bush-fanatic? The model was about the same size as a dinner plate, but that still doesn't justify the price. In fact, I'm not sure what the first thing I look for in a good bush-related product actually is.

Frustration!

Oh damn it, damn it all! Arse biscuits and clenched fists! Does my computer actually get a twisted sense of joy and fulfillment everytime it tells me 'page cannot be displayed', and I slam my head against the desk? That's what it seems like.

What annoys me the most is whenever the internet does stop working, there's no reason. The computer will have a brain fart, realise (perhaps) that it's not as good as an Apple Mac, and then try and redeem itself by refreshing the page minutes later. Tedious. Dull. Boring.

[ Picture courtesy of www.clker.com ]

£1.40

Today I was lucky enough to witness a couple who were outraged by the fact that they were asked to pay £1.40 to travel on the bus. The couple had a way with words, and I couldn't help but shed a tear after hearing the poetic words, 'F**kin' 'ell Gary, £1.40!? Itsa f**'in disgrace, innit?"

To round off the journey nicely the lady decided to imagine how satisfying it would be if she got to 'punch the drivers head in'.

The Car Park

At most normal places a car park would be a place you leave your car just before you walk elsewhere. Not at college. Here, a car park is a perfect place to park your car and then proceed to sat in the drivers seat (alone) and pose with an expression-less face, as the people who use public transport walk past.

Would it hurt these people to leave their 4 wheeled caves every once in a while, just to get some fresh air? You'd think they'd leave the car to eat, too. Right? Oh no, they eat their lunch in the cave as well, because how else would we know that they have a car?

Maths

Got a problem with maths? Need a bit of help and advice to get you back on the road to mathematical success and fame? Just call the math helpline on:

1-800-[(10x)(13i)]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]

Universities and Licks

The process of trying to find a university that will put up with me is in full swing now. University open days are booked, possible course choices are in mind, and internet research has proved to be both useful and hilarious at the same time. take this 2 sentence review for Greenwich, for example:

(No - I didn't write this. Spelling errors have been preserved to heighten comical value)

"Greencwhich is awfull. You better be good at licking ass otherwise teh teachers won't acknowlege you"

Growth Defect

Well fancy that, it's the 100th blog post. not surprisingly, it contains nothing particularly interesting or intellectually stimulating. Nevertheless, it does contain a nostalgic look back at the shite that's been posted in the past.

With the help of a random number generator, I got the numbers: 37, 75, 68, 94. So you'll be glad to know we'll now be reliving the blog posts that correspond to these numbers. What a magical idea. Anyhoozle, the list shapes up to look like this:

• Knee-in-the-face-girl
• Now 'Ears a Big Ol Problem

• Flying fish and Sun tans
• Interwebs

Do a lonely teenager a favour and have a gander at the hyperlinks above. Thanks to all that have persevered with this waste of bandwidth since the early days of it's growth. To be fair though, it hasn't grown much. Growth defect, perhaps?

Humdinger Approaching

Only 1 more post to go to my 100th Blogspot entry. Not sure what the 100th post will be about, though. I'm guessing it will probably consist of the usual ingredients: Stupid thoughts and / or ideas, irrelevant pictures, subject matter that nobodies interested in and zero viewers. Should be a humdinger of a post, if all goes as it should!

The Fair

The annual fair is setting up on the village green, bringing with it the usual selection of shifty characters and poorly produced meat products. The problem with having the fair in our quaint village is having to deal with the trail of destruction it leaves behind.

Product Placement

Why do I always have unusual run-ins with people on the bus?

Example 1: Had a lady sat in front of me who smelt strongly of washing up liquid. to be fair to her, there's worse things to smell of, but to smell THAT much of washing up liquid had made her a walking advert for Persil.

Example 2: I'm now sat in front of a boy who seems to be muttering to himself continuously under his breath. Annoyingly, I can't work out what he's saying. I imagine it's some ancient Aztec cult spell about the Apocalypse or something, because he doesn't look too happy, and he's got that 'culty' look about him.

Lazy C5180

Finished my Extended Project today. After looking through it, I have to admit it isn't looking too shabby. There are bits n' bobs that need changing, but it's only a first draft. Hopefully by the time it's fully drafted it'll be more popular than the Bible, and I'll be rich from book sales. The problem with my Extended Project however, is that to print it off I have to run it past my lazy, old printer: Mr Photosmart C5180. Now, here's abit of background information about C5180.

C5180 may be young, but he is certainly already beginning to age. It's taken me a while to work out what the '5180' printed onto the side of him stands for, but I think that's the amount of time in seconds it takes him to work out he's meant to be printing something. Nevertheless, he's stuck with me through thick and thin, so I shake his imaginary hand for that.

He's groaning now. Must be hungry. I'll go and get him a pink ink cartridge. They're his favourite.

The Interwebs

The internet can be a wonderful place, home to entertainment, communication, social networking, and spam mail describing a young girls unfortunate and harrowing death and informing you If you don't forward the message to 10 other people you could face the same fate. However, there comes a time when the Internet becomes infuriating.

This evening I spent 30 minutes waiting for a programme to buffer only for my computer to commit suicide half way through the process (possibly out of self realization of being shite at what it was programmed to do) and close the window it was running. Yes, that's right. It closed itself. Will Smith was right in I-Robot - Robots ARE going to take over the world. One window at a time.