Stop butting in and telling me what to write. My blog, not yours. Piss off. It's fair to see my growing hatred is justified as if I hadn't have corrected the sentence before this one, it would have read:
Piss OCD.
Saturday, 26 December 2009
Christmas Bitch!
It's been a jolly old Christmas 2009, and it turns out we'll be the (stressed?) owners of a 6 week old Springer Spaniel puppy in the coming days. That's her in the picture below. What fascinates me is the prospect of discovering how our 2 cats will react after finding out this news. My theory is they'll pack up all their belongings (food, bed, left over mice corpse) and march out.
Windscreen Wiper Slap
On Monday 21st the heaviest snowfall I have ever experienced managed to arrive just as I was being driven home from work by a colleague. Like many people, heavy snow causes me to revert back to a bewildered 4 year old child. The thing I like about the snow is the fact that it seems to petrify everyone; particularly drivers. It took us an hour to get home when on a normal day it would only take around 20 minutes. On the way home it was pretty nervy on the roads from a drivers perspective because the stopping distance of cars on the road was about 3x what it normally was.
Eventually we got to a massive hill that curved to the right and as we approached the hill we saw cars sprawled all over both sides of the road with the odd one or two struggling up the hill, causing them to burn out their clutches. I never knew this before but it turns out that burnt clutch smells of Monster Munch.
My colleague and I had to get out of the car, stumble up the hill on foot and push the cars of other commuters up the hill. We had to do this otherwise we wouldn't have been able to get home ourselves. Don't go thinking our good deeds were selfless - they weren't. Obviously we had some help from other members of the public, but I still felt like a hero. That is - until I watched as a man helping us push a car got slapped around the face as the windscreen wipers suddenly turned on. I did my best to conceal a laugh and distinctly remember saying "I'll blog that" after seeing it happen. Am I going straight to hell?
Eventually we got to a massive hill that curved to the right and as we approached the hill we saw cars sprawled all over both sides of the road with the odd one or two struggling up the hill, causing them to burn out their clutches. I never knew this before but it turns out that burnt clutch smells of Monster Munch.
My colleague and I had to get out of the car, stumble up the hill on foot and push the cars of other commuters up the hill. We had to do this otherwise we wouldn't have been able to get home ourselves. Don't go thinking our good deeds were selfless - they weren't. Obviously we had some help from other members of the public, but I still felt like a hero. That is - until I watched as a man helping us push a car got slapped around the face as the windscreen wipers suddenly turned on. I did my best to conceal a laugh and distinctly remember saying "I'll blog that" after seeing it happen. Am I going straight to hell?
Sunday, 20 December 2009
Virus!
Turns out some virusy shite has 'infected' my computer and as a result every single time I turn it on I become the victim of an onslaught of messages along the lines of "wow you're screwed now, big boy!" and "Merry Christmas from Microsoft bitch!" Obviously the messages don't say that exactly, I've just translated them from computer-speak to English.
If I can't solve the problem myself then I'll have to see if the computer wizards at PC World can fix it for me. I've lost count of the amount of times I've taken my computer to that place. This time when I walk in I'll just slap the computer on the front desk and ask for "the usual".
If I can't solve the problem myself then I'll have to see if the computer wizards at PC World can fix it for me. I've lost count of the amount of times I've taken my computer to that place. This time when I walk in I'll just slap the computer on the front desk and ask for "the usual".
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Sex in Class
Bet that title got your attention, huh? I wonder how many old men have arrived here straight from Google following a raunchy search entry only to be bitterly disappointed by the fact that instead of landing on a potentially law-breaking website on genitals they've come across the online diary of a teenage boy. That was a long sentence. I apologise.
Anyway, "Where are you going with this?" I hear you ask. Today in my English class we watched a 'modern-day adaptation' of 'The Millers Tale'. Unfortunately, the atmosphere changed when we found out (the hard way) that basically every other scene in this 'adaptation' was a sex scene, causing continuous streams of awkwardness and embarrassment to flutter through the classroom.
Personal stand out moments include a nice line delivered from the main character which went, "I want to shag you senseless".
Turns out 'modern adaptation' basically means 'pornographic adaptation'.
Anyway, "Where are you going with this?" I hear you ask. Today in my English class we watched a 'modern-day adaptation' of 'The Millers Tale'. Unfortunately, the atmosphere changed when we found out (the hard way) that basically every other scene in this 'adaptation' was a sex scene, causing continuous streams of awkwardness and embarrassment to flutter through the classroom.
Personal stand out moments include a nice line delivered from the main character which went, "I want to shag you senseless".
Turns out 'modern adaptation' basically means 'pornographic adaptation'.
Taa-Dar!
About 6 minutes after moaning about the fact that there's no snow in my last blog post, massive clumps of the stuff fall out the sky. Hooray!
Unfortunately, I'm not dressed for the occasion. My coat somehow manages to make me look like a white sponge as the material it's made from causes the snow to stick to it.
Unfortunately, I'm not dressed for the occasion. My coat somehow manages to make me look like a white sponge as the material it's made from causes the snow to stick to it.
Snow Days
It's a spasm-inducing -3 degrees this morning, but there's still no sign of snow. According to a reliable source (another student at college) there's a 95% chance of 'heavy snow' on Friday, which is coincidentally our last day at school before we break up for the Christmas holidays. I wish it would snow; I used to love a good 'snow day'.
For those of you who don't really know what a 'snow day' is, I'll sum it up for you.
It starts off like any other school day, except that when you stumble to the kitchen for some toast your parents are leaning over the TV/radio with their backs hunched through overwhelming sadness over the fact that you won't be buggering off to school that day. Then comes the realisation that you've just been given a whole day of freedom dedicated to phoning up nearby friends and arranging snow-related frolicking sessions.
The thing I love about snow days is that everybody treats these days in the same way they would the Apocalypse. It's all over the news, everybody's talking about it and there's an eerie silence outside as less people than usual are using their cars. Granted, the silence is broken every so often by an "Ah, you little shit!" as a child throws a snowball coated in mud and gravel at a friend, but it's still a magical time.
For those of you who don't really know what a 'snow day' is, I'll sum it up for you.
It starts off like any other school day, except that when you stumble to the kitchen for some toast your parents are leaning over the TV/radio with their backs hunched through overwhelming sadness over the fact that you won't be buggering off to school that day. Then comes the realisation that you've just been given a whole day of freedom dedicated to phoning up nearby friends and arranging snow-related frolicking sessions.
The thing I love about snow days is that everybody treats these days in the same way they would the Apocalypse. It's all over the news, everybody's talking about it and there's an eerie silence outside as less people than usual are using their cars. Granted, the silence is broken every so often by an "Ah, you little shit!" as a child throws a snowball coated in mud and gravel at a friend, but it's still a magical time.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
German Shoppers in Trolley Battle [NEWS]
In our first Parmesan cheese-related post we travel to Germany, with news that two German supermarket shoppers have been hospitalized after a fight over a trolley that had been left outside.
According to the police who intervened during the battle, the pair (consisting of an elderly man aged 74 and a young woman aged 35) involved have since been sent to hospital with minor injuries. Sources state that things kicked off when the man and the woman both had their eyes on the same desirable trolley. After some verbal sparring, the young woman's brother punched the old man, knocking him over.
Despite being knocked down, the elderly gentleman refused to give up, and it was then that the man followed the couple inside before mustering the courage to confront them by the cheese counter, equipped with a 4lb chunk of Parmesan. The elderly gentleman pushed the 35 year old shopper against a glass counter, causing her injuries to the head.
According to the police who intervened during the battle, the pair (consisting of an elderly man aged 74 and a young woman aged 35) involved have since been sent to hospital with minor injuries. Sources state that things kicked off when the man and the woman both had their eyes on the same desirable trolley. After some verbal sparring, the young woman's brother punched the old man, knocking him over.
Despite being knocked down, the elderly gentleman refused to give up, and it was then that the man followed the couple inside before mustering the courage to confront them by the cheese counter, equipped with a 4lb chunk of Parmesan. The elderly gentleman pushed the 35 year old shopper against a glass counter, causing her injuries to the head.
Monday, 14 December 2009
Bambi on Ice
Went ice skating in London yesterday which turned out to be fun for a number of reasons. The first was through being given the opportunity of listening to the questionable Christmas songs playing over the speakers as people skated. The thing about Christmas songs is that there are so many out there that the completely obscure ones tend to hide away. Luckily they were inescapable yesterday.
One of them consisted of a dad tucking his children into bed and then the kids getting all arsey because he 'wouldn't sing them a song'. Shortly after that, the dad broke into song and I assumed it had gone down well because the kids didn't speak afterwards. Either that or the dad took an alternate way out of the situation and smothered them. Ho Ho Ho..
Predictably, my skating technique started with holding onto the side of the rink and shuffling around the side like I needed the toilet, but by the end of the hour session I wasn't doing bad at all. There was a quaint little cake shop by the side of the rink that looked innocent enough but we soon found out this wasn't the case after discovering they were selling cupcakes for £2.50 each. Ever heard of the word 'recession', Cathy's Cake Shop?
One of them consisted of a dad tucking his children into bed and then the kids getting all arsey because he 'wouldn't sing them a song'. Shortly after that, the dad broke into song and I assumed it had gone down well because the kids didn't speak afterwards. Either that or the dad took an alternate way out of the situation and smothered them. Ho Ho Ho..
Predictably, my skating technique started with holding onto the side of the rink and shuffling around the side like I needed the toilet, but by the end of the hour session I wasn't doing bad at all. There was a quaint little cake shop by the side of the rink that looked innocent enough but we soon found out this wasn't the case after discovering they were selling cupcakes for £2.50 each. Ever heard of the word 'recession', Cathy's Cake Shop?
Friday, 11 December 2009
Chewing Gum Explosion Kills Student [NEWS]
Did you know that dipping your chewing gum in the wrong substances could result in blowing your own jaw off ? Nope, neither did I, which is why I was intrigued upon hearing a story that a 25 year old student named Vladimir Likhonos has tragically been killed after his chewing gum blew up as he was eating it due to a violent chemical reaction.
Reports claim that the chemistry student from the Ukraine had a habit of dipping his chewing gum in powdered citric acid, yet it is believed that Vladimir dipped his chewing gum in the wrong fluid which resulted in an explosive outcome that the victims parents described as 'a loud pop'. It has not yet been revealed what the 'mystery substance' that caused the reaction was. Elvira Biganova, a police spokeswoman for the police stated "Anybody could have mixed them up".
Frostbite and Tears
It's 1 degree Celsius today which means I can either put my hands in my pockets and play it safe or write about it whilst outside and risk losing a finger or two to my chum, Freddy Frostbite.
I find that a disadvantage with cold weather is that it has the power to make your eyes water, which led to me having to board the bus today looking like I'd just watched a Children In Need campaign video.
I find that a disadvantage with cold weather is that it has the power to make your eyes water, which led to me having to board the bus today looking like I'd just watched a Children In Need campaign video.
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Nostalgia
Feeling abit nostalgic on this fine December morning as I'm sat at the same computer from which I posted my very first blog post. I must admit, a single tear rolled down my face as soon as I sat down.
I think my first blog post set the trend for poorly organised, ill-informed information and sarcasm. What would The Morgan Chronicles be without it's badly written posts? Understandable? Maybe. Easily accessible? Sure. Generally better in every way, shape and form? You know it.
Unfortunately for you lot, I've gained a passion for clogging up the Internet with shite.
I think my first blog post set the trend for poorly organised, ill-informed information and sarcasm. What would The Morgan Chronicles be without it's badly written posts? Understandable? Maybe. Easily accessible? Sure. Generally better in every way, shape and form? You know it.
Unfortunately for you lot, I've gained a passion for clogging up the Internet with shite.
Monday, 7 December 2009
Buffering
I seem to spend most of my time on the computer nowadays doing one of 3 things: Moaning to the Internet about problems that possibly don't exist via Blogspot, declining obscure Facebook group invitations, or waiting for a Youtube video to buffer. Now for those of you who don't know what buffering is, it means the time taken for Youtube to load a video so you can play it in one continuous stream without having to pause.
As my computer is frail and old now, it takes me about 10 minutes to watch a 3 minute video. I have to pause, play, pause, play (you get the idea) my way through a video. Even if the video is funny, I get so pissed off by having to watch the buffer bar instead of the actual footage of the ape doing the moonwalk that the humour is lost and the mood ruined.
As my computer is frail and old now, it takes me about 10 minutes to watch a 3 minute video. I have to pause, play, pause, play (you get the idea) my way through a video. Even if the video is funny, I get so pissed off by having to watch the buffer bar instead of the actual footage of the ape doing the moonwalk that the humour is lost and the mood ruined.
Sunday, 6 December 2009
County Durham Villagers in Christmas Fury [NEWS]
Christmas - We love it. Above all it serves as a time of calm. A time of celebration, mischief and community frolicking. So Imagine the fury of County Durhams unsuspecting residents when they set their eyes on this years 'community Christmas tree':
tree bush in all its glory
Personally, I'm questioning whether that pile of leafy fail deserves to be labelled as a 'tree' at all. It turns out the people of County Durham agree with me. This doesn't surprise me. John Meek, one time parish council chairman gave the council a verbal slap on the arse, stating "This tree is an insult to the people of Sacriston. It's a disgrace. The council are saying it will grow, but that's an insult to our intelligence – the growing tip has gone."
The tree (That manages to reach around 4 feet into the County Durham night sky) is complimented by a decoration stand that had its lights turned on by none other than former Only Fools and Horses actor John Challis and ex-soap star James Baxter, who were beautifully dressed as 'Captain Hook' and 'Peter Pan' during the ceremony.
Merry Christmas County Durham.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Oo-oo-oo-ah-ah-ah! [NEWS]
She’s 33. She’s athletic, well-groomed and popular. Her name’s Nonja and she’s a.. – Chimp. Not what you were expecting?
Turns out that after being issued with a camera that dispenses raisins (I’ve ordered one too) Nonja has been taking pictures non-stop from within her enclosure and has managed to attract over 500 fans of her ‘photography’ via social networking site, Facebook. Naturally, I doubt Nonja uploads these pictures herself, but nevertheless she has taken the internet world by storm.
State-the-obvious expert Gerhard Kasbaeur (zoo spokesperson) told the media, “of course the apes don’t care about the pictures, they just know that when they press the button, a raisin pops out”
Turns out that after being issued with a camera that dispenses raisins (I’ve ordered one too) Nonja has been taking pictures non-stop from within her enclosure and has managed to attract over 500 fans of her ‘photography’ via social networking site, Facebook. Naturally, I doubt Nonja uploads these pictures herself, but nevertheless she has taken the internet world by storm.
State-the-obvious expert Gerhard Kasbaeur (zoo spokesperson) told the media, “of course the apes don’t care about the pictures, they just know that when they press the button, a raisin pops out”
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
