500 Unhappy Faces

The Morgan Chronicles recently managed to surpass 500 views, which is nice. I'd like to thank the 2 people that refreshed their internet browser 250 times to help me reach that figure.

iBroke my iPod

Don’t you hate it when something suddenly stops working and you have no idea why? It’s arse-slappingly infuriating. My iPod Touch now has a broken ‘Home’ button, which means I have to push the button down so hard to get it to work that I can actually feel my thumb slowly breaking with each attempt. What annoys me more is that I know Apple will charge me (too much) if I send it off for repairs. So; do I buy a new iPod, or a finger cast?

'Bumper Chairs'

Stumbled across a sign in the College ICT centre today. It said:

“For your own safety, please do not play ‘Bumper Chairs’, you MAY GET HURT”

I’m assuming that this game involves rolling the chairs into each other whilst straddled to your chair like an ICT gladiator. I like the fact that they decided to say you ‘may get hurt’ instead of you ‘will get hurt’. They’re essentially saying if you think you’ve got what it takes to play this game and survive by all means show us how it’s done, but if you don’t understand the complicated code of the ‘Bumper Chair’ athlete then graciously leave it to the experts.

Christmas In November?

For some unknown reason yesterday evening was dedicated to transforming our quaint village high street into a breeding ground for poorly erected (grow up) stalls flogging ‘Country Fudge’ and ‘Roasted Nuts’. Why? Because the local council decided we should celebrate Christmas on the 26th November this year. I’m yet to find out why. For the younger kids, one of the many advantages of these types of events concerns the red ‘Lightsaber’ toys on sale. Everybody knows there’s nothing more festive than bashing somebody over the head with a toy that probably fell off the back of a lorry, and being forced to stop by your parents/the parent of the child you’ve just violated. Just wait until the Jedi Council hear about this one..

Lizard Smuggler Caught [NEWS]

News from the entrancing world of animal smuggling now. A man passing through Los Angeles International Airport decided to take his scaled friends through customs, strapping 15 lizards to his torso. According to information from the U.S Fish and Wildlife service, the unfortunate (Presumably now retired?) daredevil was returning from Australia when he was caught with 2 geckos, 2 monitor lizards and 11 skinks. Estimates place the price of the animals at over £5000. That’s a lot of lizard skin boots. In an odd way, I admire this man. You’d have to be pretty gutsy to stroll through an airport with that many dragon descendants grabbing your chest. What would happen if somebody saw his jumper pulsating? Would he blame it on a rare heart condition or intense hunger pains?

The 'Timids'

Timid people have a tendency to infuriate me, especially when you’re placed with a nice selection of them for a ‘group task’ during a school lesson. What’s the point in being shy about putting across an idea? Hell – What’s the problem with saying anything at all!? They’re a unique breed, the Timids. As you come to terms with the fact that you’ll be the one telling the class the ‘groups’ opinion (which actually solely consists of your own input) they sit there twiddling their thumbs, scared to look anybody in the eyes in case they get asked a question / acknowledged.

Santas Bank

I wonder what cutbacks Santa has made following the credit crunch this year? Don't be surprised if your presents are wrapped in 70's newspaper this year, kids.

Xmas Approaching

Christmas adverts have slowly started forcing their way onto our televisions, despite it being November. With the build-up to Christmas also come the unconvincing 'Santas Grotto' attractions at shopping centres and gardening centres. I remember going to these places as a kid, waiting in line while the tedious Christmas music played over the tannoy above me, looking behind me at the kids staring back, pissed off that Santa was seeing me before them. I always got suspicious that Santa never actually wrote down what I wanted, particularly as I was very specific in what I wanted. I remember testing him one year by asking him for the same thing I'd asked for the previous year. He didn't mention it.

Husband and Wife in Cake Debate [NEWS]

News from Asia, now, A husband in China is strongly considering divorcing his wife after telling the media that she fed him ‘sugary treats’ and cakes for every meal of the day.



He went on to admit, “Egg cake, fruit cake, chocolate cake. I feel like a bakery dustbin”. Cheng Yu told the media that at first he enjoyed his cakey snacks, but the situation soon became too sugary even for him.

Shrek Behind Bars! [NEWS]

News surfaced today that Shrek has been placed under arrest and has since pleaded guilty over burglary charges.



Before we go on, it’s probably best to tell you that when I say ‘Shrek’ I don’t mean the 6ft tall green ogre voiced by Scottish celebrity, Mike Myers. In fact I’m referring to David Holyoak, the man who has (unofficially; obviously) been labelled the ugliest robber in Britain.

David was referred to by his in-mates as ‘Shrek’ due to his un-naturally large ears. For David, it was these big ears that led to his capture. Having radar dishes on the side of his head made him “easily recognisable”, Police say. One officer stated, “This man only needs to look at himself in the mirror to realise crime is not for him. With his big ears and rotund features he stands out a mile.”

Ducks in Fitness Confusion [NEWS]

What would you do if you saw a group of ducks attempting to scale an escalator that was travelling in the opposite direction? Naturally, you'd film it. Luckily the group of people fortunate enough to witness the ducks in their exercise blunder had the same idea. Check out the video by clicking this link.



As you can see, having a brain the size of a walnut has it's advantages. Those ducks must have burned off a fair amount of calories by the time they reached the top.

The 'talkative' type

The problem with braving the outside world is that often there's a weirdo around every corner. Unfortunately, there's one sat 5 rows behind me. I'd give you a more descriptive insight into this man, but to do that I'd have to turn around and have a look at him. If I did that, there's a chance it would spark off a conversation, which I don't want.

I feel sorry for the people sat next to him, because they're being bombarded with questions including:

"Have you got £400? My gran has."

"Have you got any old bus tickets? Can I have them?"

"Have you seen my mate Ron?"

"Have you seen the Queen?"

"Have you ever walked along a canal?"

"Are you having a roast dinner tonight?"

(Yes, those quotes are all genuine) Hooray for inescapable situations of awkwardness and weirdness. Hooray.

Nosedive

The personal 'diary-esque' side of my blogs gone belly-up since the arrival of the 'News' section. I'm starting to see the 'News' section as the hench brute of the schoolyard, bullying the other sections into staying quiet when the teachers not looking. I'll try and post a more equal amount of both news and personal thoughts. It's just the personal thoughts are more likely to get me sued. Ah, well..

Spiderman Sighted In India [NEWS]

Wait, no - It's not Spiderman. It is in fact Jyothi Rai, a 22 year old former builder. Yes - in his spare time, Jyothi entertains tourists by climbing the Chitradurga Fort without the aid of safety ropes or harnesses.

It seems to be working, though. Tourists have been flocking to Chitradurga to catch a glimpse of the agile daredevil, and a video of Jyothi caught in the act can be seen by clicking this link. Just remember Jyothi, it's all fun and games until you lose your grip and land on a group of students.

Car Goes For A Paddle [NEWS]

The owner of a $1 million Bugatti Veyron sports car has blamed a 'low-flying pelican' as the cause behind his river-side crash. A video has surfaced on the Internet of both the crash itself and the operation of the vehicle being dragged back to dry land.



The Video shows the sports car seemingly driving without any difficulties, when suddenly it veers to the right before crashing into the water. Greg Gilchrist, member of the La Marque police looking into the incident, stated that the man claimed he had lost control of the car after the bird 'swooped into his line of vision'.

Could this be the first record of a jealousy-driven pelican attack? No. The video of the crash shows no signs of feathered kamikazes, and so I have begun to wander, what has this man got against pelicans?

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Original video of crash (contains swearing)
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Students Plan Muppet Rebellion [NEWS]

News from America, now - The land of 'hope and dreams'. Picture the scene; You're a teacher in a class-full of mischievous students. It's been a long day and you're irritable. Working in a class of youths can do that to a person. So imagine your annoyance when a child randomly says 'meep', and then the rest of the students do the same, with the noise level slowly but surely getting louder and louder until eventually it becomes unbearable.



Yes, apparently a class of American children studying at Danvers High School had planned (via social networking website, Facebook) to all impersonate the character 'Beaker' from hit television series The Muppet Show, by chanting the word 'meep' in union. I'd say this is a prime example of well-thought out Muppet-Show-related rebellion, so the kids have earned my respect.

Apparently, following the organised chants the students have been banned from saying the word 'meep' in the future by Principal of the school, Thomas Murray.

Invisibility Cloak [NEWS]

News appeared today that scientists have the ‘potential’ and ‘know-how’ to design an invisibility cloak just like the one that featured in the Harry Potter films. Personally, I think too many people would abuse the power of invisibility given half the chance, myself included. Apparently scientists could use a £4.9 million grant (given to them for research aimed at looking into the ‘bending light’ phenomenon) to make the cloak.



Professor Pendry, the leader of the project and a world-leading physicist said, “I anticipate this technology will do things we already do, but do them better and cheaper. For hundreds of thousands of years we have used chemistry to alter materials, and we have taken this as far as it can go” Behind closed doors though, I’m pretty sure the professor just wants to take a trip to the changing rooms of the female professors. Still; £4.9 million well spent.

I asked some fellow students, “If you had the invisibility cloak for a day, what would you get up to?” Answers included:

“I don’t actually know..”

“I’d sneak into MI5 / FBI?”

“I’d have to do something that would help the world. I’d rob money and give it to Africa, and then steal a plane and parachute onto the top of a boat full of Somali pirates. And fight them.”

“Probably stand in the corner of something?”

950th Time Lucky [NEWS]

This November, A woman by the name of Cha Sa-soon managed to pass her driving test at the grand age of 68. It's not uncommon that a person will take more than 1 attempt at passing a driving test, however it would be fair to say Cha Sa-soon isn't a natural driver. In fact, it took her 950 times to pass her test, meaning that she ended up spending over $4000 in application fees.



I've got alot of respect for this woman for persevering. I think by the 50th time of failing I'd begin to question whether I was destined to drive or not. In fact, I'd probably considering investing in a bicycle. Cha Sa-soon has been trying to past her test since April 2005, and claims that she wanted to pass her test to buy a car which would be used for her "vegetable-selling business".

To be honest, if I wanted potatoes delivered to my home, I'd probably choose not to hire Cha Sa-soon. Having a person who failed their driving test 949 times would probably mean my potatoes would be abit battered upon arrival. On the plus side, they'd probably arrive mashed, which would save me some time.

Total Articles - 25

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'Vampire' Causes Car Crash - Added 8th July 2010

Caravan Stolen With Owner Still Inside - Added 8th July 2010

Asian Black Bear Becomes Kung-Fu Elite - Added 7th July 2010

Truck Full of Money Overturned - Added 7th July 2010

YouTube and Justin Bieber's Website Hacked! - Added 6th July 2010

Film Takes £88 On Opening Weekend - Added 19th April 2010

TV Chef Banned For Revealing Cat Stew Techniques - Added 19th February

News Reporter Attacked By Pelican - Added 18th February 2010

Man Sees Aliens Above Bowling Green - Added 14th February 2010

Snake Craves Nicotine! - Added 4th February 2010

Dog Swallows Golf Balls - Added 31st January 2010

Blobfish On Its Way Out? - Added 31st January 2010

German Shoppers in Trolley Battle - Added 15th December 2009

Student Blows Jaw Off Whilst Chewing Gum - Added 11th December 2009

County Durham villagers in Christmas fury - Added 6th December 2009

Monkey with 'Raisin Camera' - Added 3rd December 2009

Lizard smuggler captured by Airport officials - Added 25th November 2009

Husband and Wife in Cake Debate - Added 18th November 2009

Shrek captured by the authorities! - Added 18th November 2009

Ducks in fitness confusion - Added 16th November 2009

Spiderman spotted in India - Added 15th November 2009

Man crashes $1 million sports car, blames 'pelicans' - Added 14th November

Students plan Muppet rebellion - Added 13th November 2009

Scientists receive financial backing for 'Invisibility Cloak' - Added 13th November 2009

Woman passes driving test after 950 attempts - Added 12th November 2009

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Modern Warfare 2

For nerds like me, the arrival of the latest Call of Duty game is mildly interesting. It came out today, and naturally nerdy midnight events around England have popped up like unwanted warts.

Thorpe Park and Spice Girls

I went to Thorpe Park at the weekend. It was fun. The main idea behind going was to ride the newest rollercoaster 'SAW'. The ride itself was good. It was the first Eurofighter (Google it, kids) that I'd been on, and Thorpe did a really good job of theming both the line and the track. The only thing that took away from the spooky atmosphere was the cookie salesman wheeling a trolley through the horde of thrill-seekers trying to flog heart disease on a plate, covered in caramel for £1.20.



On a completely random note, we saw Geri Halliwell on a ride, which (understandably) caught me by surprise. For those who don't recognize the name, Geri used to be the only mildly attractive-looking one in English girl group, The Spice Girls. That is, until the hands of time reared their ugly head and left Geri looking like a ballbag with legs.

C-c-c-cccoollllddddd!

It's so depressingly cold that I haven't seen any wildlife at all except for various birds sticking their finger up at Global Warming and flying to somewhere warm.

John and Edward

For those people out there who are out-of-touch enough not to know about John and Edward, take a look at this. Now; for some (mental) reason people actually give a damn that these people are still in the competition, to the arse slappingly annoying point that now Facebook members are in heated battles over why they should or shouldn't stay. It's 8th November today. Ironically, I haven't seen any status updates about the Memorial services that have been going on today, because of Poppy day. If John and Edward aren't careful, it looks like the next minutes silence we'll be having will be in remembrance of them and their charred high-rise hairstyles.

Caption Time - 1

Hooray, It's caption time! Take a look at the picture below (Taken off the BBC News website) and give it a witty caption! Post your captions by clicking on the comments button under this post. I'll start, shall I?

Original Story: 'Monster Meatball sets new record' - BBC News



Ancient Dinosaur testicle discovered by Italian paleontologist

A Cats Life

It must be so easy being a cat,
Sat around doing nothing and that.
The only thing my cat does is eat dried food,
and leaves me to pick up the mice corpses hes chewed.

Thanks for that.