Stop butting in and telling me what to write. My blog, not yours. Piss off. It's fair to see my growing hatred is justified as if I hadn't have corrected the sentence before this one, it would have read:
Piss OCD.
Saturday, 26 December 2009
Christmas Bitch!
It's been a jolly old Christmas 2009, and it turns out we'll be the (stressed?) owners of a 6 week old Springer Spaniel puppy in the coming days. That's her in the picture below. What fascinates me is the prospect of discovering how our 2 cats will react after finding out this news. My theory is they'll pack up all their belongings (food, bed, left over mice corpse) and march out.
Windscreen Wiper Slap
On Monday 21st the heaviest snowfall I have ever experienced managed to arrive just as I was being driven home from work by a colleague. Like many people, heavy snow causes me to revert back to a bewildered 4 year old child. The thing I like about the snow is the fact that it seems to petrify everyone; particularly drivers. It took us an hour to get home when on a normal day it would only take around 20 minutes. On the way home it was pretty nervy on the roads from a drivers perspective because the stopping distance of cars on the road was about 3x what it normally was.
Eventually we got to a massive hill that curved to the right and as we approached the hill we saw cars sprawled all over both sides of the road with the odd one or two struggling up the hill, causing them to burn out their clutches. I never knew this before but it turns out that burnt clutch smells of Monster Munch.
My colleague and I had to get out of the car, stumble up the hill on foot and push the cars of other commuters up the hill. We had to do this otherwise we wouldn't have been able to get home ourselves. Don't go thinking our good deeds were selfless - they weren't. Obviously we had some help from other members of the public, but I still felt like a hero. That is - until I watched as a man helping us push a car got slapped around the face as the windscreen wipers suddenly turned on. I did my best to conceal a laugh and distinctly remember saying "I'll blog that" after seeing it happen. Am I going straight to hell?
Eventually we got to a massive hill that curved to the right and as we approached the hill we saw cars sprawled all over both sides of the road with the odd one or two struggling up the hill, causing them to burn out their clutches. I never knew this before but it turns out that burnt clutch smells of Monster Munch.
My colleague and I had to get out of the car, stumble up the hill on foot and push the cars of other commuters up the hill. We had to do this otherwise we wouldn't have been able to get home ourselves. Don't go thinking our good deeds were selfless - they weren't. Obviously we had some help from other members of the public, but I still felt like a hero. That is - until I watched as a man helping us push a car got slapped around the face as the windscreen wipers suddenly turned on. I did my best to conceal a laugh and distinctly remember saying "I'll blog that" after seeing it happen. Am I going straight to hell?
Sunday, 20 December 2009
Virus!
Turns out some virusy shite has 'infected' my computer and as a result every single time I turn it on I become the victim of an onslaught of messages along the lines of "wow you're screwed now, big boy!" and "Merry Christmas from Microsoft bitch!" Obviously the messages don't say that exactly, I've just translated them from computer-speak to English.
If I can't solve the problem myself then I'll have to see if the computer wizards at PC World can fix it for me. I've lost count of the amount of times I've taken my computer to that place. This time when I walk in I'll just slap the computer on the front desk and ask for "the usual".
If I can't solve the problem myself then I'll have to see if the computer wizards at PC World can fix it for me. I've lost count of the amount of times I've taken my computer to that place. This time when I walk in I'll just slap the computer on the front desk and ask for "the usual".
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Sex in Class
Bet that title got your attention, huh? I wonder how many old men have arrived here straight from Google following a raunchy search entry only to be bitterly disappointed by the fact that instead of landing on a potentially law-breaking website on genitals they've come across the online diary of a teenage boy. That was a long sentence. I apologise.
Anyway, "Where are you going with this?" I hear you ask. Today in my English class we watched a 'modern-day adaptation' of 'The Millers Tale'. Unfortunately, the atmosphere changed when we found out (the hard way) that basically every other scene in this 'adaptation' was a sex scene, causing continuous streams of awkwardness and embarrassment to flutter through the classroom.
Personal stand out moments include a nice line delivered from the main character which went, "I want to shag you senseless".
Turns out 'modern adaptation' basically means 'pornographic adaptation'.
Anyway, "Where are you going with this?" I hear you ask. Today in my English class we watched a 'modern-day adaptation' of 'The Millers Tale'. Unfortunately, the atmosphere changed when we found out (the hard way) that basically every other scene in this 'adaptation' was a sex scene, causing continuous streams of awkwardness and embarrassment to flutter through the classroom.
Personal stand out moments include a nice line delivered from the main character which went, "I want to shag you senseless".
Turns out 'modern adaptation' basically means 'pornographic adaptation'.
Taa-Dar!
About 6 minutes after moaning about the fact that there's no snow in my last blog post, massive clumps of the stuff fall out the sky. Hooray!
Unfortunately, I'm not dressed for the occasion. My coat somehow manages to make me look like a white sponge as the material it's made from causes the snow to stick to it.
Unfortunately, I'm not dressed for the occasion. My coat somehow manages to make me look like a white sponge as the material it's made from causes the snow to stick to it.
Snow Days
It's a spasm-inducing -3 degrees this morning, but there's still no sign of snow. According to a reliable source (another student at college) there's a 95% chance of 'heavy snow' on Friday, which is coincidentally our last day at school before we break up for the Christmas holidays. I wish it would snow; I used to love a good 'snow day'.
For those of you who don't really know what a 'snow day' is, I'll sum it up for you.
It starts off like any other school day, except that when you stumble to the kitchen for some toast your parents are leaning over the TV/radio with their backs hunched through overwhelming sadness over the fact that you won't be buggering off to school that day. Then comes the realisation that you've just been given a whole day of freedom dedicated to phoning up nearby friends and arranging snow-related frolicking sessions.
The thing I love about snow days is that everybody treats these days in the same way they would the Apocalypse. It's all over the news, everybody's talking about it and there's an eerie silence outside as less people than usual are using their cars. Granted, the silence is broken every so often by an "Ah, you little shit!" as a child throws a snowball coated in mud and gravel at a friend, but it's still a magical time.
For those of you who don't really know what a 'snow day' is, I'll sum it up for you.
It starts off like any other school day, except that when you stumble to the kitchen for some toast your parents are leaning over the TV/radio with their backs hunched through overwhelming sadness over the fact that you won't be buggering off to school that day. Then comes the realisation that you've just been given a whole day of freedom dedicated to phoning up nearby friends and arranging snow-related frolicking sessions.
The thing I love about snow days is that everybody treats these days in the same way they would the Apocalypse. It's all over the news, everybody's talking about it and there's an eerie silence outside as less people than usual are using their cars. Granted, the silence is broken every so often by an "Ah, you little shit!" as a child throws a snowball coated in mud and gravel at a friend, but it's still a magical time.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
German Shoppers in Trolley Battle [NEWS]
In our first Parmesan cheese-related post we travel to Germany, with news that two German supermarket shoppers have been hospitalized after a fight over a trolley that had been left outside.
According to the police who intervened during the battle, the pair (consisting of an elderly man aged 74 and a young woman aged 35) involved have since been sent to hospital with minor injuries. Sources state that things kicked off when the man and the woman both had their eyes on the same desirable trolley. After some verbal sparring, the young woman's brother punched the old man, knocking him over.
Despite being knocked down, the elderly gentleman refused to give up, and it was then that the man followed the couple inside before mustering the courage to confront them by the cheese counter, equipped with a 4lb chunk of Parmesan. The elderly gentleman pushed the 35 year old shopper against a glass counter, causing her injuries to the head.
According to the police who intervened during the battle, the pair (consisting of an elderly man aged 74 and a young woman aged 35) involved have since been sent to hospital with minor injuries. Sources state that things kicked off when the man and the woman both had their eyes on the same desirable trolley. After some verbal sparring, the young woman's brother punched the old man, knocking him over.
Despite being knocked down, the elderly gentleman refused to give up, and it was then that the man followed the couple inside before mustering the courage to confront them by the cheese counter, equipped with a 4lb chunk of Parmesan. The elderly gentleman pushed the 35 year old shopper against a glass counter, causing her injuries to the head.
Monday, 14 December 2009
Bambi on Ice
Went ice skating in London yesterday which turned out to be fun for a number of reasons. The first was through being given the opportunity of listening to the questionable Christmas songs playing over the speakers as people skated. The thing about Christmas songs is that there are so many out there that the completely obscure ones tend to hide away. Luckily they were inescapable yesterday.
One of them consisted of a dad tucking his children into bed and then the kids getting all arsey because he 'wouldn't sing them a song'. Shortly after that, the dad broke into song and I assumed it had gone down well because the kids didn't speak afterwards. Either that or the dad took an alternate way out of the situation and smothered them. Ho Ho Ho..
Predictably, my skating technique started with holding onto the side of the rink and shuffling around the side like I needed the toilet, but by the end of the hour session I wasn't doing bad at all. There was a quaint little cake shop by the side of the rink that looked innocent enough but we soon found out this wasn't the case after discovering they were selling cupcakes for £2.50 each. Ever heard of the word 'recession', Cathy's Cake Shop?
One of them consisted of a dad tucking his children into bed and then the kids getting all arsey because he 'wouldn't sing them a song'. Shortly after that, the dad broke into song and I assumed it had gone down well because the kids didn't speak afterwards. Either that or the dad took an alternate way out of the situation and smothered them. Ho Ho Ho..
Predictably, my skating technique started with holding onto the side of the rink and shuffling around the side like I needed the toilet, but by the end of the hour session I wasn't doing bad at all. There was a quaint little cake shop by the side of the rink that looked innocent enough but we soon found out this wasn't the case after discovering they were selling cupcakes for £2.50 each. Ever heard of the word 'recession', Cathy's Cake Shop?
Friday, 11 December 2009
Chewing Gum Explosion Kills Student [NEWS]
Did you know that dipping your chewing gum in the wrong substances could result in blowing your own jaw off ? Nope, neither did I, which is why I was intrigued upon hearing a story that a 25 year old student named Vladimir Likhonos has tragically been killed after his chewing gum blew up as he was eating it due to a violent chemical reaction.
Reports claim that the chemistry student from the Ukraine had a habit of dipping his chewing gum in powdered citric acid, yet it is believed that Vladimir dipped his chewing gum in the wrong fluid which resulted in an explosive outcome that the victims parents described as 'a loud pop'. It has not yet been revealed what the 'mystery substance' that caused the reaction was. Elvira Biganova, a police spokeswoman for the police stated "Anybody could have mixed them up".
Frostbite and Tears
It's 1 degree Celsius today which means I can either put my hands in my pockets and play it safe or write about it whilst outside and risk losing a finger or two to my chum, Freddy Frostbite.
I find that a disadvantage with cold weather is that it has the power to make your eyes water, which led to me having to board the bus today looking like I'd just watched a Children In Need campaign video.
I find that a disadvantage with cold weather is that it has the power to make your eyes water, which led to me having to board the bus today looking like I'd just watched a Children In Need campaign video.
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Nostalgia
Feeling abit nostalgic on this fine December morning as I'm sat at the same computer from which I posted my very first blog post. I must admit, a single tear rolled down my face as soon as I sat down.
I think my first blog post set the trend for poorly organised, ill-informed information and sarcasm. What would The Morgan Chronicles be without it's badly written posts? Understandable? Maybe. Easily accessible? Sure. Generally better in every way, shape and form? You know it.
Unfortunately for you lot, I've gained a passion for clogging up the Internet with shite.
I think my first blog post set the trend for poorly organised, ill-informed information and sarcasm. What would The Morgan Chronicles be without it's badly written posts? Understandable? Maybe. Easily accessible? Sure. Generally better in every way, shape and form? You know it.
Unfortunately for you lot, I've gained a passion for clogging up the Internet with shite.
Monday, 7 December 2009
Buffering
I seem to spend most of my time on the computer nowadays doing one of 3 things: Moaning to the Internet about problems that possibly don't exist via Blogspot, declining obscure Facebook group invitations, or waiting for a Youtube video to buffer. Now for those of you who don't know what buffering is, it means the time taken for Youtube to load a video so you can play it in one continuous stream without having to pause.
As my computer is frail and old now, it takes me about 10 minutes to watch a 3 minute video. I have to pause, play, pause, play (you get the idea) my way through a video. Even if the video is funny, I get so pissed off by having to watch the buffer bar instead of the actual footage of the ape doing the moonwalk that the humour is lost and the mood ruined.
As my computer is frail and old now, it takes me about 10 minutes to watch a 3 minute video. I have to pause, play, pause, play (you get the idea) my way through a video. Even if the video is funny, I get so pissed off by having to watch the buffer bar instead of the actual footage of the ape doing the moonwalk that the humour is lost and the mood ruined.
Sunday, 6 December 2009
County Durham Villagers in Christmas Fury [NEWS]
Christmas - We love it. Above all it serves as a time of calm. A time of celebration, mischief and community frolicking. So Imagine the fury of County Durhams unsuspecting residents when they set their eyes on this years 'community Christmas tree':
tree bush in all its glory
Personally, I'm questioning whether that pile of leafy fail deserves to be labelled as a 'tree' at all. It turns out the people of County Durham agree with me. This doesn't surprise me. John Meek, one time parish council chairman gave the council a verbal slap on the arse, stating "This tree is an insult to the people of Sacriston. It's a disgrace. The council are saying it will grow, but that's an insult to our intelligence – the growing tip has gone."
The tree (That manages to reach around 4 feet into the County Durham night sky) is complimented by a decoration stand that had its lights turned on by none other than former Only Fools and Horses actor John Challis and ex-soap star James Baxter, who were beautifully dressed as 'Captain Hook' and 'Peter Pan' during the ceremony.
Merry Christmas County Durham.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Oo-oo-oo-ah-ah-ah! [NEWS]
She’s 33. She’s athletic, well-groomed and popular. Her name’s Nonja and she’s a.. – Chimp. Not what you were expecting?
Turns out that after being issued with a camera that dispenses raisins (I’ve ordered one too) Nonja has been taking pictures non-stop from within her enclosure and has managed to attract over 500 fans of her ‘photography’ via social networking site, Facebook. Naturally, I doubt Nonja uploads these pictures herself, but nevertheless she has taken the internet world by storm.
State-the-obvious expert Gerhard Kasbaeur (zoo spokesperson) told the media, “of course the apes don’t care about the pictures, they just know that when they press the button, a raisin pops out”
Turns out that after being issued with a camera that dispenses raisins (I’ve ordered one too) Nonja has been taking pictures non-stop from within her enclosure and has managed to attract over 500 fans of her ‘photography’ via social networking site, Facebook. Naturally, I doubt Nonja uploads these pictures herself, but nevertheless she has taken the internet world by storm.
State-the-obvious expert Gerhard Kasbaeur (zoo spokesperson) told the media, “of course the apes don’t care about the pictures, they just know that when they press the button, a raisin pops out”
Sunday, 29 November 2009
500 Unhappy Faces
The Morgan Chronicles recently managed to surpass 500 views, which is nice. I'd like to thank the 2 people that refreshed their internet browser 250 times to help me reach that figure.
Friday, 27 November 2009
iBroke my iPod
Don’t you hate it when something suddenly stops working and you have no idea why? It’s arse-slappingly infuriating. My iPod Touch now has a broken ‘Home’ button, which means I have to push the button down so hard to get it to work that I can actually feel my thumb slowly breaking with each attempt. What annoys me more is that I know Apple will charge me (too much) if I send it off for repairs. So; do I buy a new iPod, or a finger cast?
'Bumper Chairs'
Stumbled across a sign in the College ICT centre today. It said:
“For your own safety, please do not play ‘Bumper Chairs’, you MAY GET HURT”
I’m assuming that this game involves rolling the chairs into each other whilst straddled to your chair like an ICT gladiator. I like the fact that they decided to say you ‘may get hurt’ instead of you ‘will get hurt’. They’re essentially saying if you think you’ve got what it takes to play this game and survive by all means show us how it’s done, but if you don’t understand the complicated code of the ‘Bumper Chair’ athlete then graciously leave it to the experts.
“For your own safety, please do not play ‘Bumper Chairs’, you MAY GET HURT”
I’m assuming that this game involves rolling the chairs into each other whilst straddled to your chair like an ICT gladiator. I like the fact that they decided to say you ‘may get hurt’ instead of you ‘will get hurt’. They’re essentially saying if you think you’ve got what it takes to play this game and survive by all means show us how it’s done, but if you don’t understand the complicated code of the ‘Bumper Chair’ athlete then graciously leave it to the experts.
Christmas In November?
For some unknown reason yesterday evening was dedicated to transforming our quaint village high street into a breeding ground for poorly erected (grow up) stalls flogging ‘Country Fudge’ and ‘Roasted Nuts’. Why? Because the local council decided we should celebrate Christmas on the 26th November this year. I’m yet to find out why. For the younger kids, one of the many advantages of these types of events concerns the red ‘Lightsaber’ toys on sale. Everybody knows there’s nothing more festive than bashing somebody over the head with a toy that probably fell off the back of a lorry, and being forced to stop by your parents/the parent of the child you’ve just violated. Just wait until the Jedi Council hear about this one..
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Lizard Smuggler Caught [NEWS]
News from the entrancing world of animal smuggling now. A man passing through Los Angeles International Airport decided to take his scaled friends through customs, strapping 15 lizards to his torso. According to information from the U.S Fish and Wildlife service, the unfortunate (Presumably now retired?) daredevil was returning from Australia when he was caught with 2 geckos, 2 monitor lizards and 11 skinks. Estimates place the price of the animals at over £5000. That’s a lot of lizard skin boots. In an odd way, I admire this man. You’d have to be pretty gutsy to stroll through an airport with that many dragon descendants grabbing your chest. What would happen if somebody saw his jumper pulsating? Would he blame it on a rare heart condition or intense hunger pains?
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
The 'Timids'
Timid people have a tendency to infuriate me, especially when you’re placed with a nice selection of them for a ‘group task’ during a school lesson. What’s the point in being shy about putting across an idea? Hell – What’s the problem with saying anything at all!? They’re a unique breed, the Timids. As you come to terms with the fact that you’ll be the one telling the class the ‘groups’ opinion (which actually solely consists of your own input) they sit there twiddling their thumbs, scared to look anybody in the eyes in case they get asked a question / acknowledged.
Monday, 23 November 2009
Santas Bank
I wonder what cutbacks Santa has made following the credit crunch this year? Don't be surprised if your presents are wrapped in 70's newspaper this year, kids.
Xmas Approaching
Christmas adverts have slowly started forcing their way onto our televisions, despite it being November. With the build-up to Christmas also come the unconvincing 'Santas Grotto' attractions at shopping centres and gardening centres. I remember going to these places as a kid, waiting in line while the tedious Christmas music played over the tannoy above me, looking behind me at the kids staring back, pissed off that Santa was seeing me before them. I always got suspicious that Santa never actually wrote down what I wanted, particularly as I was very specific in what I wanted. I remember testing him one year by asking him for the same thing I'd asked for the previous year. He didn't mention it.
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
Husband and Wife in Cake Debate [NEWS]
News from Asia, now, A husband in China is strongly considering divorcing his wife after telling the media that she fed him ‘sugary treats’ and cakes for every meal of the day.
He went on to admit, “Egg cake, fruit cake, chocolate cake. I feel like a bakery dustbin”. Cheng Yu told the media that at first he enjoyed his cakey snacks, but the situation soon became too sugary even for him.
He went on to admit, “Egg cake, fruit cake, chocolate cake. I feel like a bakery dustbin”. Cheng Yu told the media that at first he enjoyed his cakey snacks, but the situation soon became too sugary even for him.
Shrek Behind Bars! [NEWS]
News surfaced today that Shrek has been placed under arrest and has since pleaded guilty over burglary charges.
Before we go on, it’s probably best to tell you that when I say ‘Shrek’ I don’t mean the 6ft tall green ogre voiced by Scottish celebrity, Mike Myers. In fact I’m referring to David Holyoak, the man who has (unofficially; obviously) been labelled the ugliest robber in Britain.
David was referred to by his in-mates as ‘Shrek’ due to his un-naturally large ears. For David, it was these big ears that led to his capture. Having radar dishes on the side of his head made him “easily recognisable”, Police say. One officer stated, “This man only needs to look at himself in the mirror to realise crime is not for him. With his big ears and rotund features he stands out a mile.”
Before we go on, it’s probably best to tell you that when I say ‘Shrek’ I don’t mean the 6ft tall green ogre voiced by Scottish celebrity, Mike Myers. In fact I’m referring to David Holyoak, the man who has (unofficially; obviously) been labelled the ugliest robber in Britain.
David was referred to by his in-mates as ‘Shrek’ due to his un-naturally large ears. For David, it was these big ears that led to his capture. Having radar dishes on the side of his head made him “easily recognisable”, Police say. One officer stated, “This man only needs to look at himself in the mirror to realise crime is not for him. With his big ears and rotund features he stands out a mile.”
Monday, 16 November 2009
Ducks in Fitness Confusion [NEWS]
What would you do if you saw a group of ducks attempting to scale an escalator that was travelling in the opposite direction? Naturally, you'd film it. Luckily the group of people fortunate enough to witness the ducks in their exercise blunder had the same idea. Check out the video by clicking this link.
As you can see, having a brain the size of a walnut has it's advantages. Those ducks must have burned off a fair amount of calories by the time they reached the top.
As you can see, having a brain the size of a walnut has it's advantages. Those ducks must have burned off a fair amount of calories by the time they reached the top.
The 'talkative' type
The problem with braving the outside world is that often there's a weirdo around every corner. Unfortunately, there's one sat 5 rows behind me. I'd give you a more descriptive insight into this man, but to do that I'd have to turn around and have a look at him. If I did that, there's a chance it would spark off a conversation, which I don't want.
I feel sorry for the people sat next to him, because they're being bombarded with questions including:
"Have you got £400? My gran has."
"Have you got any old bus tickets? Can I have them?"
"Have you seen my mate Ron?"
"Have you seen the Queen?"
"Have you ever walked along a canal?"
"Are you having a roast dinner tonight?"
(Yes, those quotes are all genuine) Hooray for inescapable situations of awkwardness and weirdness. Hooray.
I feel sorry for the people sat next to him, because they're being bombarded with questions including:
"Have you got £400? My gran has."
"Have you got any old bus tickets? Can I have them?"
"Have you seen my mate Ron?"
"Have you seen the Queen?"
"Have you ever walked along a canal?"
"Are you having a roast dinner tonight?"
(Yes, those quotes are all genuine) Hooray for inescapable situations of awkwardness and weirdness. Hooray.
Nosedive
The personal 'diary-esque' side of my blogs gone belly-up since the arrival of the 'News' section. I'm starting to see the 'News' section as the hench brute of the schoolyard, bullying the other sections into staying quiet when the teachers not looking. I'll try and post a more equal amount of both news and personal thoughts. It's just the personal thoughts are more likely to get me sued. Ah, well..
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Spiderman Sighted In India [NEWS]
Wait, no - It's not Spiderman. It is in fact Jyothi Rai, a 22 year old former builder. Yes - in his spare time, Jyothi entertains tourists by climbing the Chitradurga Fort without the aid of safety ropes or harnesses.
It seems to be working, though. Tourists have been flocking to Chitradurga to catch a glimpse of the agile daredevil, and a video of Jyothi caught in the act can be seen by clicking this link. Just remember Jyothi, it's all fun and games until you lose your grip and land on a group of students.
It seems to be working, though. Tourists have been flocking to Chitradurga to catch a glimpse of the agile daredevil, and a video of Jyothi caught in the act can be seen by clicking this link. Just remember Jyothi, it's all fun and games until you lose your grip and land on a group of students.
Car Goes For A Paddle [NEWS]
The owner of a $1 million Bugatti Veyron sports car has blamed a 'low-flying pelican' as the cause behind his river-side crash. A video has surfaced on the Internet of both the crash itself and the operation of the vehicle being dragged back to dry land.
The Video shows the sports car seemingly driving without any difficulties, when suddenly it veers to the right before crashing into the water. Greg Gilchrist, member of the La Marque police looking into the incident, stated that the man claimed he had lost control of the car after the bird 'swooped into his line of vision'.
Could this be the first record of a jealousy-driven pelican attack? No. The video of the crash shows no signs of feathered kamikazes, and so I have begun to wander, what has this man got against pelicans?
----------
Original video of crash (contains swearing)
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The Video shows the sports car seemingly driving without any difficulties, when suddenly it veers to the right before crashing into the water. Greg Gilchrist, member of the La Marque police looking into the incident, stated that the man claimed he had lost control of the car after the bird 'swooped into his line of vision'.
Could this be the first record of a jealousy-driven pelican attack? No. The video of the crash shows no signs of feathered kamikazes, and so I have begun to wander, what has this man got against pelicans?
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Original video of crash (contains swearing)
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Saturday, 14 November 2009
Students Plan Muppet Rebellion [NEWS]
News from America, now - The land of 'hope and dreams'. Picture the scene; You're a teacher in a class-full of mischievous students. It's been a long day and you're irritable. Working in a class of youths can do that to a person. So imagine your annoyance when a child randomly says 'meep', and then the rest of the students do the same, with the noise level slowly but surely getting louder and louder until eventually it becomes unbearable.
Yes, apparently a class of American children studying at Danvers High School had planned (via social networking website, Facebook) to all impersonate the character 'Beaker' from hit television series The Muppet Show, by chanting the word 'meep' in union. I'd say this is a prime example of well-thought out Muppet-Show-related rebellion, so the kids have earned my respect.
Apparently, following the organised chants the students have been banned from saying the word 'meep' in the future by Principal of the school, Thomas Murray.
Yes, apparently a class of American children studying at Danvers High School had planned (via social networking website, Facebook) to all impersonate the character 'Beaker' from hit television series The Muppet Show, by chanting the word 'meep' in union. I'd say this is a prime example of well-thought out Muppet-Show-related rebellion, so the kids have earned my respect.
Apparently, following the organised chants the students have been banned from saying the word 'meep' in the future by Principal of the school, Thomas Murray.
Friday, 13 November 2009
Invisibility Cloak [NEWS]
News appeared today that scientists have the ‘potential’ and ‘know-how’ to design an invisibility cloak just like the one that featured in the Harry Potter films. Personally, I think too many people would abuse the power of invisibility given half the chance, myself included. Apparently scientists could use a £4.9 million grant (given to them for research aimed at looking into the ‘bending light’ phenomenon) to make the cloak.
Professor Pendry, the leader of the project and a world-leading physicist said, “I anticipate this technology will do things we already do, but do them better and cheaper. For hundreds of thousands of years we have used chemistry to alter materials, and we have taken this as far as it can go” Behind closed doors though, I’m pretty sure the professor just wants to take a trip to the changing rooms of the female professors. Still; £4.9 million well spent.
I asked some fellow students, “If you had the invisibility cloak for a day, what would you get up to?” Answers included:
“I don’t actually know..”
“I’d sneak into MI5 / FBI?”
“I’d have to do something that would help the world. I’d rob money and give it to Africa, and then steal a plane and parachute onto the top of a boat full of Somali pirates. And fight them.”
“Probably stand in the corner of something?”
Professor Pendry, the leader of the project and a world-leading physicist said, “I anticipate this technology will do things we already do, but do them better and cheaper. For hundreds of thousands of years we have used chemistry to alter materials, and we have taken this as far as it can go” Behind closed doors though, I’m pretty sure the professor just wants to take a trip to the changing rooms of the female professors. Still; £4.9 million well spent.
I asked some fellow students, “If you had the invisibility cloak for a day, what would you get up to?” Answers included:
“I don’t actually know..”
“I’d sneak into MI5 / FBI?”
“I’d have to do something that would help the world. I’d rob money and give it to Africa, and then steal a plane and parachute onto the top of a boat full of Somali pirates. And fight them.”
“Probably stand in the corner of something?”
Thursday, 12 November 2009
950th Time Lucky [NEWS]
This November, A woman by the name of Cha Sa-soon managed to pass her driving test at the grand age of 68. It's not uncommon that a person will take more than 1 attempt at passing a driving test, however it would be fair to say Cha Sa-soon isn't a natural driver. In fact, it took her 950 times to pass her test, meaning that she ended up spending over $4000 in application fees.
I've got alot of respect for this woman for persevering. I think by the 50th time of failing I'd begin to question whether I was destined to drive or not. In fact, I'd probably considering investing in a bicycle. Cha Sa-soon has been trying to past her test since April 2005, and claims that she wanted to pass her test to buy a car which would be used for her "vegetable-selling business".
To be honest, if I wanted potatoes delivered to my home, I'd probably choose not to hire Cha Sa-soon. Having a person who failed their driving test 949 times would probably mean my potatoes would be abit battered upon arrival. On the plus side, they'd probably arrive mashed, which would save me some time.
I've got alot of respect for this woman for persevering. I think by the 50th time of failing I'd begin to question whether I was destined to drive or not. In fact, I'd probably considering investing in a bicycle. Cha Sa-soon has been trying to past her test since April 2005, and claims that she wanted to pass her test to buy a car which would be used for her "vegetable-selling business".
To be honest, if I wanted potatoes delivered to my home, I'd probably choose not to hire Cha Sa-soon. Having a person who failed their driving test 949 times would probably mean my potatoes would be abit battered upon arrival. On the plus side, they'd probably arrive mashed, which would save me some time.
Total Articles - 25
----------
'Vampire' Causes Car Crash - Added 8th July 2010
Caravan Stolen With Owner Still Inside - Added 8th July 2010
Asian Black Bear Becomes Kung-Fu Elite - Added 7th July 2010
Truck Full of Money Overturned - Added 7th July 2010
YouTube and Justin Bieber's Website Hacked! - Added 6th July 2010
Film Takes £88 On Opening Weekend - Added 19th April 2010
TV Chef Banned For Revealing Cat Stew Techniques - Added 19th February
News Reporter Attacked By Pelican - Added 18th February 2010
Man Sees Aliens Above Bowling Green - Added 14th February 2010
Snake Craves Nicotine! - Added 4th February 2010
Dog Swallows Golf Balls - Added 31st January 2010
Blobfish On Its Way Out? - Added 31st January 2010
German Shoppers in Trolley Battle - Added 15th December 2009
Student Blows Jaw Off Whilst Chewing Gum - Added 11th December 2009
County Durham villagers in Christmas fury - Added 6th December 2009
Monkey with 'Raisin Camera' - Added 3rd December 2009
Lizard smuggler captured by Airport officials - Added 25th November 2009
Husband and Wife in Cake Debate - Added 18th November 2009
Shrek captured by the authorities! - Added 18th November 2009
Ducks in fitness confusion - Added 16th November 2009
Spiderman spotted in India - Added 15th November 2009
Man crashes $1 million sports car, blames 'pelicans' - Added 14th November
Students plan Muppet rebellion - Added 13th November 2009
Scientists receive financial backing for 'Invisibility Cloak' - Added 13th November 2009
Woman passes driving test after 950 attempts - Added 12th November 2009
----------
Dog Swallows Golf Balls - Added 31st January 2010
Blobfish On Its Way Out? - Added 31st January 2010
German Shoppers in Trolley Battle - Added 15th December 2009
Student Blows Jaw Off Whilst Chewing Gum - Added 11th December 2009
County Durham villagers in Christmas fury - Added 6th December 2009
Monkey with 'Raisin Camera' - Added 3rd December 2009
Lizard smuggler captured by Airport officials - Added 25th November 2009
Husband and Wife in Cake Debate - Added 18th November 2009
Shrek captured by the authorities! - Added 18th November 2009
Ducks in fitness confusion - Added 16th November 2009
Spiderman spotted in India - Added 15th November 2009
Man crashes $1 million sports car, blames 'pelicans' - Added 14th November
Students plan Muppet rebellion - Added 13th November 2009
Scientists receive financial backing for 'Invisibility Cloak' - Added 13th November 2009
Woman passes driving test after 950 attempts - Added 12th November 2009
----------
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
Modern Warfare 2
For nerds like me, the arrival of the latest Call of Duty game is mildly interesting. It came out today, and naturally nerdy midnight events around England have popped up like unwanted warts.
Monday, 9 November 2009
Thorpe Park and Spice Girls
I went to Thorpe Park at the weekend. It was fun. The main idea behind going was to ride the newest rollercoaster 'SAW'. The ride itself was good. It was the first Eurofighter (Google it, kids) that I'd been on, and Thorpe did a really good job of theming both the line and the track. The only thing that took away from the spooky atmosphere was the cookie salesman wheeling a trolley through the horde of thrill-seekers trying to flog heart disease on a plate, covered in caramel for £1.20.
On a completely random note, we saw Geri Halliwell on a ride, which (understandably) caught me by surprise. For those who don't recognize the name, Geri used to be the only mildly attractive-looking one in English girl group, The Spice Girls. That is, until the hands of time reared their ugly head and left Geri looking like a ballbag with legs.
On a completely random note, we saw Geri Halliwell on a ride, which (understandably) caught me by surprise. For those who don't recognize the name, Geri used to be the only mildly attractive-looking one in English girl group, The Spice Girls. That is, until the hands of time reared their ugly head and left Geri looking like a ballbag with legs.
C-c-c-cccoollllddddd!
It's so depressingly cold that I haven't seen any wildlife at all except for various birds sticking their finger up at Global Warming and flying to somewhere warm.
Sunday, 8 November 2009
John and Edward
For those people out there who are out-of-touch enough not to know about John and Edward, take a look at this. Now; for some (mental) reason people actually give a damn that these people are still in the competition, to the arse slappingly annoying point that now Facebook members are in heated battles over why they should or shouldn't stay. It's 8th November today. Ironically, I haven't seen any status updates about the Memorial services that have been going on today, because of Poppy day. If John and Edward aren't careful, it looks like the next minutes silence we'll be having will be in remembrance of them and their charred high-rise hairstyles.
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Caption Time - 1
Hooray, It's caption time! Take a look at the picture below (Taken off the BBC News website) and give it a witty caption! Post your captions by clicking on the comments button under this post. I'll start, shall I?
Original Story: 'Monster Meatball sets new record' - BBC News
Ancient Dinosaur testicle discovered by Italian paleontologist
Sunday, 1 November 2009
A Cats Life
It must be so easy being a cat,
Sat around doing nothing and that.
The only thing my cat does is eat dried food,
and leaves me to pick up the mice corpses hes chewed.
Thanks for that.
Sat around doing nothing and that.
The only thing my cat does is eat dried food,
and leaves me to pick up the mice corpses hes chewed.
Thanks for that.
Saturday, 31 October 2009
Vincents Tour
Our second to last day in Stratford consisted of an evening ghost tour through the centre of the town. Overall, there were about 20 of us in the group, made up of young and old. Our group leader was about 45 years old. It was his job to make the whole walk as atmospheric as possible, and so he took it upon himself to wear a large black tophat and long purple cape. Walking through the centre of town being led by him made us look like a cult.
The walk itself was nicely done. The briefing at the start of the walk was a certain highlight for all the wrong reasons. As Vincent began to tell us about this ancient ghost that haunted the theatre, the occasional silence was broken by the sound of kids in a Vauxhall Corsa drifting around the corner at high speed, bopping their heads to the sound of some R n' B shite.
Another moment that made me laugh to myself was when we were led down the street and our guide suddenly stopped, and we were all left wandering what tale of tragedy and death he was about to unleash. I then looked up and realised Vincent was stood under a massive 'Currys Digital' sign. In almost perfect comedic timing, another set of kids drove past and decided to slow down upon seeing our group, before yelling "I like ghosts, yehhhhhhh!"
It could be argued these encounters spoiled the atmosphere, but I feel they added a whole lot more. Unfortunately, Vincent didn't react to these moments. I bet he gets alot of verbal drive-bys.
The walk itself was nicely done. The briefing at the start of the walk was a certain highlight for all the wrong reasons. As Vincent began to tell us about this ancient ghost that haunted the theatre, the occasional silence was broken by the sound of kids in a Vauxhall Corsa drifting around the corner at high speed, bopping their heads to the sound of some R n' B shite.
Another moment that made me laugh to myself was when we were led down the street and our guide suddenly stopped, and we were all left wandering what tale of tragedy and death he was about to unleash. I then looked up and realised Vincent was stood under a massive 'Currys Digital' sign. In almost perfect comedic timing, another set of kids drove past and decided to slow down upon seeing our group, before yelling "I like ghosts, yehhhhhhh!"
It could be argued these encounters spoiled the atmosphere, but I feel they added a whole lot more. Unfortunately, Vincent didn't react to these moments. I bet he gets alot of verbal drive-bys.
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Witchcraft Museum
Went to the Museum of Witchcraft today. Basically, it was a 3 floor converted house that we were able to explore with the help of fluorescent stickers pointing out the knackered low-hanging beams. Our 'guide' around the house was a tall fella, and he decided that it would be worth putting a sorting hat (like the one from Harry Potter) on each of our heads to see which 'house' we'd end up in. I ended up in 'Hufflepuff'. Not sure how to react to this, So I've got nothing else to add. [..?]
This freaky ginger thing was lurking around one of the many [low-hanging] corners of the Witchcraft Museum. I feel sorry for the poor bastard who has to lock up the place at night. Must be a nightmare.
This freaky ginger thing was lurking around one of the many [low-hanging] corners of the Witchcraft Museum. I feel sorry for the poor bastard who has to lock up the place at night. Must be a nightmare.
Windswept
Went on the bus tour of Stratford. Learnt alot about William Shakespeare. I've got some pictures below of what was seen. In other words, my personal highlights.
Naturally, I've only uploaded these pictures of Stratford squaller for comedic value. The tour itself was actually really nice. Sadly, sitting at the top of the bus turned out to be a bad idea after Hurricane Katrina-style winds engulfed us as the bus drove at high speed down a long and winding country road. All in all though, it was a nice little adventure on wheels.
Click on 'Newer Post' to read about the next day in Stratford
Shop Window Horror
I was shocked to find the picture below in a shop window in Stratford. It was part of a poster that was advertising family portraits. Upon first glance, you'd just assume it's a normal sweet and innocent looking girl posing for a picture, right? If that was the case; you'd be wrong. If you take your time and look closer, you'll see what I see - Pure evil. Evidence:
Now what I want to know is who on earth would want a portrait of that!? No offence to the girl, but If she flew out my womb, I'd try and stuff her back in.
Now what I want to know is who on earth would want a portrait of that!? No offence to the girl, but If she flew out my womb, I'd try and stuff her back in.
Click on 'Newer Post' to read about the next day in Stratford
Bus Hops
Today we plan to go on a 'hop on / hop off bus' around Stratford. Not sure what this is going to involve. I'm not sure where we're hopping on. I'm not sure where we're hopping off. I'm not sure if hopping is compulsory. Should be an enlightening day.
We also planned to go to the Museum of Witchcraft, which ( according to the leaflet ) is the 'most haunted Museum in England'. In the end though, we decided to save that adventure for another day.
Click on 'Newer Post' to read about the next day in Stratford
From Russia With Love
Arrived in Stratford-Upon-Avon today as part of a mini 4 day excursion / adventure. The idea of coming here was to enjoy the "ye-olde" style buildings and historic streets, however this dream fell on it's arse shortly after passing a large B&Q D.I.Y warehouse just outside the town centre.
Our accommodation is nice. it's basically a bachelor pad surrounded by cobble streets and tourist traps. For example, there's a fudge shop opposite the birth-place of William Shakespeare, which is about 3 minutes walk away from us. My first impressions of the town were pretty good; I saw the area as quaint and innocent. Strangely, this changed after a 10PM trip to the nearby 'One-Stop' for some 'Fanta Lemon'.
As I waited in line to pay I couldn't help but notice around 80% of the people in line were Russian. I could tell this not only from their accents, but also from the fact that one of them was called 'Boris'. It turned out that the man behind the counter was also Russian, and upon realising this the group of Russian men in line all decided to high-five this man in turn. Ironically, his name was 'Dimitri', the second most stereotypical Russian name in existence (Shortly behind 'Boris')
It was like entering an English corner shop for some lemonade and walking out into Moscow city centre.
This is one of the houses along the main street. Apparently, It's Shakespeare's birth-place. To be honest, one of my geeky dreams is to fashion a time machine out of cogs and wheels and travel back in time to meet the man himself. It'd be a disappointment if he turned out to be a miserable bastard, though.
Our accommodation is nice. it's basically a bachelor pad surrounded by cobble streets and tourist traps. For example, there's a fudge shop opposite the birth-place of William Shakespeare, which is about 3 minutes walk away from us. My first impressions of the town were pretty good; I saw the area as quaint and innocent. Strangely, this changed after a 10PM trip to the nearby 'One-Stop' for some 'Fanta Lemon'.
As I waited in line to pay I couldn't help but notice around 80% of the people in line were Russian. I could tell this not only from their accents, but also from the fact that one of them was called 'Boris'. It turned out that the man behind the counter was also Russian, and upon realising this the group of Russian men in line all decided to high-five this man in turn. Ironically, his name was 'Dimitri', the second most stereotypical Russian name in existence (Shortly behind 'Boris')
It was like entering an English corner shop for some lemonade and walking out into Moscow city centre.
This is one of the houses along the main street. Apparently, It's Shakespeare's birth-place. To be honest, one of my geeky dreams is to fashion a time machine out of cogs and wheels and travel back in time to meet the man himself. It'd be a disappointment if he turned out to be a miserable bastard, though.Click on 'Newer Post' to read about the next day in Stratford
Thursday, 22 October 2009
Pub Brawls
I like the way insults have evolved over time. For example, if because of some horrible misunderstanding I sparked a pub fight, the sort of insults flying around from fellow brawlers would undoubtedly be along the lines of, "I'm gonna' snap you like a Twiglet!"
Back in Shakespeares day these insults weren't even on the horizon. They had to settle for phrases like "I'll unhair thy head, villain!" personally I like these types of insults more. The fact that in reality they're really not offensive at all adds to their charm. Although, I imagine if I threatened to 'unhair' a mans head during a riot in the year 2009, the only head being 'unhaired' would be mine.
Back in Shakespeares day these insults weren't even on the horizon. They had to settle for phrases like "I'll unhair thy head, villain!" personally I like these types of insults more. The fact that in reality they're really not offensive at all adds to their charm. Although, I imagine if I threatened to 'unhair' a mans head during a riot in the year 2009, the only head being 'unhaired' would be mine.
[ Picture courtesy of www.clker.com ]
Monday, 19 October 2009
Bush Fanatic
Ended up having a look around a small town within the New Forest at the weekend. It was an odd town because it seemed to pride itself on the fact it's shops had a 'spooky' / witchcraft style and theme. To me, it was just weird. There were clay models of scantily clad bunnies bending over in the shop windows, as well as supposedly 'magical' stones and wands.
I remember one of the shops in particular because the second I walked in I said to myself, "Somebodies died in here recently". I'm not sure what made the place particularly eerie. Perhaps it was the elderly-peoples-home-esque carpet, or the man who was stood completely motionless behind the counter in a trance. Perhaps it was down to the fact that the musty air and collection of £10 pink slippers arranged on the various rotting and dusty shelves actually made me feel like I'd aged 50 years.
In one of the shops there was a clay model of a tractor cutting a bush. It was £500. No joke. What kind of lonely soul would spend that much money on a model of a bush. A Bush-fanatic? The model was about the same size as a dinner plate, but that still doesn't justify the price. In fact, I'm not sure what the first thing I look for in a good bush-related product actually is.
I remember one of the shops in particular because the second I walked in I said to myself, "Somebodies died in here recently". I'm not sure what made the place particularly eerie. Perhaps it was the elderly-peoples-home-esque carpet, or the man who was stood completely motionless behind the counter in a trance. Perhaps it was down to the fact that the musty air and collection of £10 pink slippers arranged on the various rotting and dusty shelves actually made me feel like I'd aged 50 years.
In one of the shops there was a clay model of a tractor cutting a bush. It was £500. No joke. What kind of lonely soul would spend that much money on a model of a bush. A Bush-fanatic? The model was about the same size as a dinner plate, but that still doesn't justify the price. In fact, I'm not sure what the first thing I look for in a good bush-related product actually is.
Saturday, 17 October 2009
Frustration!
Oh damn it, damn it all! Arse biscuits and clenched fists! Does my computer actually get a twisted sense of joy and fulfillment everytime it tells me 'page cannot be displayed', and I slam my head against the desk? That's what it seems like.
What annoys me the most is whenever the internet does stop working, there's no reason. The computer will have a brain fart, realise (perhaps) that it's not as good as an Apple Mac, and then try and redeem itself by refreshing the page minutes later. Tedious. Dull. Boring.
What annoys me the most is whenever the internet does stop working, there's no reason. The computer will have a brain fart, realise (perhaps) that it's not as good as an Apple Mac, and then try and redeem itself by refreshing the page minutes later. Tedious. Dull. Boring.
[ Picture courtesy of www.clker.com ]
Monday, 12 October 2009
£1.40
Today I was lucky enough to witness a couple who were outraged by the fact that they were asked to pay £1.40 to travel on the bus. The couple had a way with words, and I couldn't help but shed a tear after hearing the poetic words, 'F**kin' 'ell Gary, £1.40!? Itsa f**'in disgrace, innit?"
To round off the journey nicely the lady decided to imagine how satisfying it would be if she got to 'punch the drivers head in'.
To round off the journey nicely the lady decided to imagine how satisfying it would be if she got to 'punch the drivers head in'.
The Car Park
At most normal places a car park would be a place you leave your car just before you walk elsewhere. Not at college. Here, a car park is a perfect place to park your car and then proceed to sat in the drivers seat (alone) and pose with an expression-less face, as the people who use public transport walk past.
Would it hurt these people to leave their 4 wheeled caves every once in a while, just to get some fresh air? You'd think they'd leave the car to eat, too. Right? Oh no, they eat their lunch in the cave as well, because how else would we know that they have a car?
Would it hurt these people to leave their 4 wheeled caves every once in a while, just to get some fresh air? You'd think they'd leave the car to eat, too. Right? Oh no, they eat their lunch in the cave as well, because how else would we know that they have a car?
Maths
Got a problem with maths? Need a bit of help and advice to get you back on the road to mathematical success and fame? Just call the math helpline on:
1-800-[(10x)(13i)]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]
1-800-[(10x)(13i)]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]
Universities and Licks
The process of trying to find a university that will put up with me is in full swing now. University open days are booked, possible course choices are in mind, and internet research has proved to be both useful and hilarious at the same time. take this 2 sentence review for Greenwich, for example:
(No - I didn't write this. Spelling errors have been preserved to heighten comical value)
"Greencwhich is awfull. You better be good at licking ass otherwise teh teachers won't acknowlege you"
(No - I didn't write this. Spelling errors have been preserved to heighten comical value)
"Greencwhich is awfull. You better be good at licking ass otherwise teh teachers won't acknowlege you"
Saturday, 10 October 2009
Growth Defect
Well fancy that, it's the 100th blog post. not surprisingly, it contains nothing particularly interesting or intellectually stimulating. Nevertheless, it does contain a nostalgic look back at the shite that's been posted in the past.
With the help of a random number generator, I got the numbers: 37, 75, 68, 94. So you'll be glad to know we'll now be reliving the blog posts that correspond to these numbers. What a magical idea. Anyhoozle, the list shapes up to look like this:
• Knee-in-the-face-girl
• Now 'Ears a Big Ol Problem
With the help of a random number generator, I got the numbers: 37, 75, 68, 94. So you'll be glad to know we'll now be reliving the blog posts that correspond to these numbers. What a magical idea. Anyhoozle, the list shapes up to look like this:
• Knee-in-the-face-girl
• Now 'Ears a Big Ol Problem
Do a lonely teenager a favour and have a gander at the hyperlinks above. Thanks to all that have persevered with this waste of bandwidth since the early days of it's growth. To be fair though, it hasn't grown much. Growth defect, perhaps?
Thursday, 8 October 2009
Humdinger Approaching
Only 1 more post to go to my 100th Blogspot entry. Not sure what the 100th post will be about, though. I'm guessing it will probably consist of the usual ingredients: Stupid thoughts and / or ideas, irrelevant pictures, subject matter that nobodies interested in and zero viewers. Should be a humdinger of a post, if all goes as it should!
Monday, 5 October 2009
The Fair
The annual fair is setting up on the village green, bringing with it the usual selection of shifty characters and poorly produced meat products. The problem with having the fair in our quaint village is having to deal with the trail of destruction it leaves behind.
Product Placement
Why do I always have unusual run-ins with people on the bus?
Example 1: Had a lady sat in front of me who smelt strongly of washing up liquid. to be fair to her, there's worse things to smell of, but to smell THAT much of washing up liquid had made her a walking advert for Persil.
Example 2: I'm now sat in front of a boy who seems to be muttering to himself continuously under his breath. Annoyingly, I can't work out what he's saying. I imagine it's some ancient Aztec cult spell about the Apocalypse or something, because he doesn't look too happy, and he's got that 'culty' look about him.
Example 1: Had a lady sat in front of me who smelt strongly of washing up liquid. to be fair to her, there's worse things to smell of, but to smell THAT much of washing up liquid had made her a walking advert for Persil.
Example 2: I'm now sat in front of a boy who seems to be muttering to himself continuously under his breath. Annoyingly, I can't work out what he's saying. I imagine it's some ancient Aztec cult spell about the Apocalypse or something, because he doesn't look too happy, and he's got that 'culty' look about him.
Sunday, 4 October 2009
Lazy C5180
Finished my Extended Project today. After looking through it, I have to admit it isn't looking too shabby. There are bits n' bobs that need changing, but it's only a first draft. Hopefully by the time it's fully drafted it'll be more popular than the Bible, and I'll be rich from book sales. The problem with my Extended Project however, is that to print it off I have to run it past my lazy, old printer: Mr Photosmart C5180. Now, here's abit of background information about C5180.
C5180 may be young, but he is certainly already beginning to age. It's taken me a while to work out what the '5180' printed onto the side of him stands for, but I think that's the amount of time in seconds it takes him to work out he's meant to be printing something. Nevertheless, he's stuck with me through thick and thin, so I shake his imaginary hand for that.
He's groaning now. Must be hungry. I'll go and get him a pink ink cartridge. They're his favourite.
C5180 may be young, but he is certainly already beginning to age. It's taken me a while to work out what the '5180' printed onto the side of him stands for, but I think that's the amount of time in seconds it takes him to work out he's meant to be printing something. Nevertheless, he's stuck with me through thick and thin, so I shake his imaginary hand for that.
He's groaning now. Must be hungry. I'll go and get him a pink ink cartridge. They're his favourite.
Thursday, 1 October 2009
The Interwebs
The internet can be a wonderful place, home to entertainment, communication, social networking, and spam mail describing a young girls unfortunate and harrowing death and informing you If you don't forward the message to 10 other people you could face the same fate. However, there comes a time when the Internet becomes infuriating.
This evening I spent 30 minutes waiting for a programme to buffer only for my computer to commit suicide half way through the process (possibly out of self realization of being shite at what it was programmed to do) and close the window it was running. Yes, that's right. It closed itself. Will Smith was right in I-Robot - Robots ARE going to take over the world. One window at a time.
This evening I spent 30 minutes waiting for a programme to buffer only for my computer to commit suicide half way through the process (possibly out of self realization of being shite at what it was programmed to do) and close the window it was running. Yes, that's right. It closed itself. Will Smith was right in I-Robot - Robots ARE going to take over the world. One window at a time.
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
Squeaky Clean - The Aftermath
Well that wasn't too bad, thankfully. I've never had this treatment before, but the overly-enthusiastic dentist decided to put a camera in my mouth so he could have a nose around. His excuse was that the camera was needed to 'check for anything bad' (which he found none of) but in reality I'm pretty certain he just wanted a new desktop wallpaper.
[Picture courtesy of www.chrisoconnorblog.com]
Unfortunately my dentist looks nothing like the picture above. That's purely for comedic value. Or not. You be the judge.
Breaking the Stereotype
Most teenage boys that sit at the back of the bus bop their heads to Drum n' Bass music. I, on the other hand, am reading a Jane Austin novel. Alone.
Monday, 28 September 2009
Parachuting
Me and a friend plan to go parachuting some time next year for a charity that we haven't decided on. If the parachute jump goes wrong, it's likely we'll use the money to nurse ourselves back to good health. I was looking today about organising the jump, and there's alot of planning. This is surprising seeing as at the end of the day all we need is a plane, some Dutch courage and an overly sized white duvet to stop us dying. If my last blog post is posted the day before the jump, you'll know the duvet wasn't too effective.
Universities
Now that Year 2 of college is here, most of the talk of the college is either about people crashing their new cars, or applying to University. Thankfully, if things don't work out for me in terms of getting the grades I want at A Level, I've got an internationally known, award-winning blog to fall back on.
Just Like Old Times
Back to college also means back to public transport. There's something depressingly uncool about being back here, knowing many of your friends are driving in, in their own cars. (Unless they're stolen, of course) You know that you're in an unfortunate situation when the only time the silence is broken is when the elderly couple sat behind you decide to compliment a bush that the bus passes by, by agreeing that it's "well looked after". As soon as I heard this statement, I closed my eyes and kept promising myself that the journey would ending soon. Thankfully, it did.
Shark vs Octopus
Ever wondered who would win in a fight between a golden-gate-bridge-sized shark and an unusually powerful octopus? If your answer is yes, then I recommend you have a go at watching a film called "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" I watched it at the weekend, and I have to say it was pretty horrendous. My personal favourite lines include,
'They don't rest, they just kill'
'It rises'
'I looked into it's eyes'
'In all this darkness, you were the one ray of light'
'Christ! he's coming faster than a jet!'
'Woo-Hoo! Who wants shark skin boots?'
'My god - what have we done?'
As you can probably tell from the above quotations, it wasn't a very intellectually stimulating piece of film. Memorable though. In a bad way.
It gets a generous 5/10. The hilariously terrible sub-plot about a romance between the 2 lead characters also gets a deserving mention.
'They don't rest, they just kill'
'It rises'
'I looked into it's eyes'
'In all this darkness, you were the one ray of light'
'Christ! he's coming faster than a jet!'
'Woo-Hoo! Who wants shark skin boots?'
'My god - what have we done?'
As you can probably tell from the above quotations, it wasn't a very intellectually stimulating piece of film. Memorable though. In a bad way.
It gets a generous 5/10. The hilariously terrible sub-plot about a romance between the 2 lead characters also gets a deserving mention.
Saturday, 26 September 2009
Dreams
Do you ever have a dream so weird that you have to try and remember it? Yesterday, I had a dream that revolved around me being a dog breeder. Weird, right? Basically I lived on a farm and then this group of bad guys, all armed [!], came to the farm to try and nick the dogs. Naturally, I wasn't going to let this happen so I took care of them 1 by 1 with the help of gymnastic karate moves. If only I was that nimble at protecting dogs in real life. I could make a career out of that.
Sense and Sensibility Thoughts
Well; after watching 3 hours worth of the film about Jane Austins novel, I have to admit the film wasn't that bad. I was skeptical at first, but the film did hold my attention. However, I still stand by what I said about the book. It's very 'wordy'.
Monday, 21 September 2009
Chewed
One of the many downfalls of borrowing headphones from a family member is that they're often chewed to hell. I'm trying to listen to music right now using these uniquely shaped headphones, and the chewed section of the plastic is digging into the inside of my ear, making the whole process of listening to music agonising. Because of this pain, I've got into the habit of adjusting the headphone itself every 3 seconds. I look like I've got a nervous disposition.
Almost There
Remember that Extended Project thing I was talking about yonks ago? You probably won't. I've written alot today, and I'm only 1000 words away from the 5000 word target. My project is about defending teenagers and going against the medias view of all teens in England being thugs. Anyway, can't talk for too long. I'm off to do a drive-by.
Sunday, 20 September 2009
Good film, Bad film
This evening I watched a film called The Island. I enjoyed it. I won't go into a page long review of why I liked it and such, because google and Youtube probably have that sorted out for me. I will instead talk about tomorrows plan. Tomorrow evening I will be watching Sense and Sensibility. Who knows, maybe the film will be an action packed adrenaline ride? We'll see.
Geese
I think geese are clever. Before today, my outlook was different, but after seeing them in flight formation during a family BBQ I developed a newly found respect for them. What surprises me is the whole kerfuffle they have to go through to migrate.
Humans have technology. When we go on holiday, we usually travel through the air in a sealed metal tube with staff that dish out bags of nuts. Geese have to fly over a span of absolutely miles in the hope they'll find some place warmer than where they're flying from. It's a risky business. What if they just can't be bothered half way through the process? Another thing that I noticed is that there's always a leader with these geese formations. How do the geese kingdom elect leaders? Polls? Fights? General knowledge quizzes?
Humans have technology. When we go on holiday, we usually travel through the air in a sealed metal tube with staff that dish out bags of nuts. Geese have to fly over a span of absolutely miles in the hope they'll find some place warmer than where they're flying from. It's a risky business. What if they just can't be bothered half way through the process? Another thing that I noticed is that there's always a leader with these geese formations. How do the geese kingdom elect leaders? Polls? Fights? General knowledge quizzes?
Saturday, 19 September 2009
Newbies
Just finished my first week of second year college. College has gotten busy all of a sudden, because the 1st year students have started, which means navigating to the next lesson now involves scuffles and bruised shoulders.
The Opticians
Went to the opticians last week. Yes, I hear you cry, "why not tell us sooner then Tom?". Well my reply to you is that "It's OK readers, you don't have to pretend to be interested in what I have to say / see".
So anyway, off I toodle to the opticians for a regular eye checkup. Before I know it I'm carted off to a dark room, sat into a contraption that looks like a trap from the SAW films, and told to look at the wall in front of me and answer some questions and read things out. It's quite an odd place, the opticians, because the people doing the eye tests have to look at your eye with a special scope, and this usually ends with them being less than an inch away from your face, making the whole process particularly awkward.
After the 1-inch-away-from-face test there was one final test I had to do, which involved what I can only describe as having to equip the worlds biggest pair of binoculars and then being told to 'count the white circles'. After that was sorted, I was free to go. My next checkup is in 3 months. Should be fun. Hopefully my optician then won't have had garlic bread for lunch. I can't imagine the 1-inch-away-from-face test being fun under those circumstances.
So anyway, off I toodle to the opticians for a regular eye checkup. Before I know it I'm carted off to a dark room, sat into a contraption that looks like a trap from the SAW films, and told to look at the wall in front of me and answer some questions and read things out. It's quite an odd place, the opticians, because the people doing the eye tests have to look at your eye with a special scope, and this usually ends with them being less than an inch away from your face, making the whole process particularly awkward.
After the 1-inch-away-from-face test there was one final test I had to do, which involved what I can only describe as having to equip the worlds biggest pair of binoculars and then being told to 'count the white circles'. After that was sorted, I was free to go. My next checkup is in 3 months. Should be fun. Hopefully my optician then won't have had garlic bread for lunch. I can't imagine the 1-inch-away-from-face test being fun under those circumstances.
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
"You like, yes?"
Today was an interesting afternoon. Ok, I'll set the scene. I'm home alone. So I hear a knock on the door, and I go to investigate. I open the door, and a man stares back at me, eyes as large as a rabbit about to be hit by a car. He says to me, "You like fish?". In my head I say to myself, "No you don't Tom. You hate fish. You haven't had fish in years. Unless this guy is flogging Captain Birdseye products the chances are you aren't going to be interested in what he has to sell". Out loud I reply, "Yes - I love fish". That was mistake number 1.
So I'm then led to the back of his white van, with the driver of the van modelling a white stained shirt. The van doors are flung open, and the horrible smell of fish floats up my nostrils. I tried to remain interested in the fish the whole time, as the man showed me a crate of prawns, cuttlefish, and salmon, whilst ensuring he explained as much as possible about each crate. In an attempt to make sure I looked interested in what my new fishy friend was saying, I jotted down the telephone number of the company, said thank you, and walked back into the house. I threw the number in the bin.
Monday, 7 September 2009
Sense and Stupidity
Right now I'm reading Sense and Sensibility. Why? Because I was tasked with the job of reading the whole book during the summer holidays by my English teacher. With it being an old-fashioned book, some of the sentences can get very lengthy. For example:
"Mrs. Dashwood remained at Norland several months; not from any disinclination to move when the sight of every well known spot ceased to raise the violent emotion which it produced for a while; for when her spirits began to revive, and her mind became capable of some other exertion than that of heightening its affliction by melancholy remembrances, she was impatient to be gone, and indefatigable in her inquiries for a suitable dwelling in the neighbourhood of Norland; for to remove far from that beloved spot was impossible."
That's one sentence. One sentence. Why is there so much 'beating around the bush' in Victorian literature? I'm not an author by any means, but I'm pretty sure I could sum up what's written there in about 2 or 3 lines. Back to reading I go, then!
"Mrs. Dashwood remained at Norland several months; not from any disinclination to move when the sight of every well known spot ceased to raise the violent emotion which it produced for a while; for when her spirits began to revive, and her mind became capable of some other exertion than that of heightening its affliction by melancholy remembrances, she was impatient to be gone, and indefatigable in her inquiries for a suitable dwelling in the neighbourhood of Norland; for to remove far from that beloved spot was impossible."
That's one sentence. One sentence. Why is there so much 'beating around the bush' in Victorian literature? I'm not an author by any means, but I'm pretty sure I could sum up what's written there in about 2 or 3 lines. Back to reading I go, then!
Saturday, 5 September 2009
The Teen Squad
Well it's been a while since I went on Blogspot. Unfortunately I don't think I can explain with the help of a poor excuse, because I don't have one. I guess it's just because I haven't gotten around to posting. That's odd. After reading what I've just typed it turns out I've just completely contradicted myself. Maybe this is why I left for so long. Nothing I say makes intellectual sense. I think that's the beauty of having a blog, though. Most of the stuff published onto the interwebs is shite anyway. I might as well contribute.
So what have I been doing? Went to a BBQ the other evening for a catch up with some people I haven't seen in a while. It was one of those BBQs where every generation was accounted for. You had the toddlers hopping about and every so often dipping their bogey-ridden fingers into the chocolate fountain, the middle aged men and women talking on the patio about work, and the teenagers slumped around the BBQ watching pieces of meat cook whilst complaining about exams and education in general. It's weird to think that one day I'll be part of middle age group. This time around though, I was a proud member of the teen squad.
So what have I been doing? Went to a BBQ the other evening for a catch up with some people I haven't seen in a while. It was one of those BBQs where every generation was accounted for. You had the toddlers hopping about and every so often dipping their bogey-ridden fingers into the chocolate fountain, the middle aged men and women talking on the patio about work, and the teenagers slumped around the BBQ watching pieces of meat cook whilst complaining about exams and education in general. It's weird to think that one day I'll be part of middle age group. This time around though, I was a proud member of the teen squad.
Monday, 24 August 2009
Now Ears a Big Ol' Problem
Turns out I've got an ear infection from all that swimming in Dubai. How lovely. So now I've been perscribed with eardrops which cause me to spasm from the tickly sensation everytime the green liquid whizzes down my ear canal. Now I can't lean on that ear when I'm trying to get to sleep either as the liquid would drip out, which cuts my potential sleeping positions by about 50%.
Friday, 21 August 2009
Home [ Dubai - Day 10/11 ]
5:15 am and I'm sat at the airport waiting to go home. I hate waiting around like this!
Well I'm back in England now. I hate returning because my mind always wanders to, "hhhmmmm, I wonder what we'd be doing now if we were still on holiday?" Amazingly, I did manage to keep my promise of daily holiday blogs!
Well I'm back in England now. I hate returning because my mind always wanders to, "hhhmmmm, I wonder what we'd be doing now if we were still on holiday?" Amazingly, I did manage to keep my promise of daily holiday blogs!
The Last Supper [ Dubai - Day 9 ]
Well that's the penultimate day out of the way. Have to wake up at 3am tomorrow to give us enough time to catch the plane and head back to England.
Got my results today. Average at best, but not too bad. Went jellyfish hunting again today but found nothing interesting except this weird brown blobby thing about 3cm long hiding under the kiyaks. Not sure what it was. (and no; it wasn't a terd.) Also managed to see a crab by the swimming pool under the bridge that leads into the restaurant. It was chewing on some weedy stuff. Not sure what the little rascal was hoping to gain from chomping on algi but if I was a crab I'd probably just nibble stuff to combat the boredom too. Poor fella has to walk sideways everywhere. Must get tedious. I can't think of any good reason why god would programme them to do that, unless he was just having a laugh or an 'off-day'.
Got my results today. Average at best, but not too bad. Went jellyfish hunting again today but found nothing interesting except this weird brown blobby thing about 3cm long hiding under the kiyaks. Not sure what it was. (and no; it wasn't a terd.) Also managed to see a crab by the swimming pool under the bridge that leads into the restaurant. It was chewing on some weedy stuff. Not sure what the little rascal was hoping to gain from chomping on algi but if I was a crab I'd probably just nibble stuff to combat the boredom too. Poor fella has to walk sideways everywhere. Must get tedious. I can't think of any good reason why god would programme them to do that, unless he was just having a laugh or an 'off-day'.
Jellyfish Shoulders [ Dubai - Day 9 ]
Went kiyaking again today and managed to balance a jellyfish on my oar and giggle like a schoolgirl at my accomplishment. It was cool being that close to a jellyfish that wasn't dead. If god had given those squishy little guys hands and fingers this one would certainly have stuck the middle finger in my direction.
I get my AS level college results tomorrow via E-Mail, so that will be a nice depressing end to the holiday. If I don't do as well as I'd hoped I'll just have to make sure I nail the next set of tests. If I do rubbish I'm sure my jellyfish friends will comfort me with a shoulder (Do Jellyfish have shoulders!?) to cry on. Tomorrow is our last full day because we fly home the day after. I'm off to bed now. Toodle pips.
Waterpark [ Dubai - Day 8 ]
Went to a waterpark called Wild Wadi today. It was a really impressive waterpark, actually. The lifeguards seemed to be doing anything but guarding lives though. Popular past-times for the staff included splashing British people with water, making fun of accents, and tickling people. I thought it was a nice touch.
Cities and Confetti [ Dubai - Day 7 ]
As expected I sucked camel testies at Skiing although the trip into Dubai was really interesting. Got to see the 7 star hotel which looked very nice. We're going to the waterpark next to it tomorrow so it's another early start for us. I'm going to hazard a guess and say that the waterpark isn't 7 star, though.
Before we could reach Ski Dubai, we had to navigate a moving traffic cone.
Today as we were leaving Ski Dubai through the area where the front desks are we heard a loud band. At first I assumed the loud noise was made by a skier hitting the class window of the viewing area, but it turned out the noise was caused by a confetti gun. It was used because the 3 millionth customer had just bought a ticket to the slopes for him and his family.
Lots of staff surrounded the guy and his kids. They gave him some plane tickets (no idea where to) and a massive green cake. As all the confetti fell to the ground I looked over to the cleaner and saw that he looked really pissed off. As he began the clean up process kids were picking up the confetti and throwing it again.
'Paper Bag Fish' [ Dubai - Day 6 ]
Need to wake up at 7am tomorrow because we're going to Ski Dubai, which is basically a ski dome in the middle of the desert. Dubai city centre to be precise. Surreal but cool, me thinks. Imagine the Eden Project in England but with less rare cacti and more snow. It should be fun to look around the place. Shame I can't ski.
Finally saw a jellyfish whilst kiyaking today. It was light blue and looked like a paper bag with veins running through it. Apparently the light blue ones are harmless, but I still felt like a hardcore daredevil poking it with my ore. Unfortunately it wobbled away after a good prodding. Most nimble paper bag I've ever seen. Had some chicken nuggets this evening and have felt ill ever since. Something tells me that wasn't chicken nestled in those crispy skins.
Finally saw a jellyfish whilst kiyaking today. It was light blue and looked like a paper bag with veins running through it. Apparently the light blue ones are harmless, but I still felt like a hardcore daredevil poking it with my ore. Unfortunately it wobbled away after a good prodding. Most nimble paper bag I've ever seen. Had some chicken nuggets this evening and have felt ill ever since. Something tells me that wasn't chicken nestled in those crispy skins.
Flying Fish and Sun Tans [ Dubai - Day 5 ]
Spent today relaxing around the hotel. We've got into a rhythm now, with breakfast around 9, Pool until 4 or 5 and restaurant hunting shortly after. Went kiyaking around the lagoon again today as it's free and nobody apart from us shares our passion for burning under the sun on a 1-person boat whilst looking for jellyfish.
While we were out in the lagoon a fish jumped over and around the kiyaks. It was only about an inch long but it still caught me by surprise. This fish seemed to be the leader of the fish world because seconds later I was in the centre of a fish rave. There were about 30 fish jumping around me. I felt like the god of the sea being treated to a dance from my fishy slaves even though in reality I remained a skinny kid from England with a patchy tan. Sadly my dear friend the Blobfish was no-where to be seen.
Desert Escapades [ Dubai - Day 4 ]
Today was the best day so far by a long old shot. Hung around the pool as normal but then we were picked up from the front of the hotel by a very nice fella who whisked us off to the dunes. The thing that got me pondering was why we ended up travelling 2 hours to find good dunes when we were in the country of Dubai which is essentially completely dune-covered give or take the odd hotel and camel farm.
This was what we were being driven around in across the dunes. Thank god it was a 4x4. Driving across sandy hills in a Jaguar wouldn't be too soothing.
We shared a car with some German ladies who were 'sehr nett'. So we get to these dunes where our driver lets down the tyres to give added grip on the sand and then takes us up and down the dunes pretty darn fast in a car reassuringly fitted with a roll-cage. The trip across the dunes lasted about an hour or so and in that time there were stops for photos and lunch. After this we pulled up at this place in the middle of the desert which was surrounded by a mixture of camels, quad bikes, and tourists. I'd never ridden a camel before as they're hard to come by in England, so I gave it a nice little straddle and had a ride. I think my camel had Tourettes as it wouldn't shut up. Either that or it had the hump.
After that was eating, belly dancing, drinking, bartering for cheap watches and trying on Pandoras. Not all at the same time, though. That would be stupid. And so that was day 4 in a nutshell. Twas a good day. Could talk about it for ages and start to get boring. Too late.
Convicts [ Dubai - Day 3 ]
More lazing around the pool today. Nice and relaxing. Hired a Jet-Ski for 20 minutes, which was a long enough time scale in which to work out that Jet-Skiing is harder than it looks and narrowly miss hitting a boat of tourists shortly after.
We took these Jet-Skis out for 20 minutes, in which time my eyes almost died from salt water splashback
This evening has been rather exciting, though. My dad was told he was not allowed to wear sandals into the restaurant, and naturally an awkward dinner followed, with the silence being broken with an occasional, "Look at that guy. He's wearing sandals and they let him in!?" Anyhoozle, after the meal we decided to buy some food from the nearby market. As we walked back into the hotel with our bags of shopping 2 guards ran up to us in the lobby like we were some kind of bargain terrorists (The prices at the hotel were insanely high so we had attempted to buy water elsewhere this time) and were told we weren't allowed to do this. We decided we didn't care for this rule and sulkily took our contraband upstairs. Now I feel like I should be sleeping with a gun under my pillow. Leaving this hotel is going to be like escaping Alcatraz now.
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Wi-Fi [Dubai - Day 2]
The hotel that I'm staying in only has free Wi-Fi in the lobby, so I have to be there to post to Blogspot. Ah, the lobby. There's lots (and lots) of hotel staff walking around and smiling in a sinister way. They basically see to your every need, which is nice. [keep it clean] I like the lobby, because there's always something going on, be it people playing guitar for the tourists, or new arrivals running in with their jeans on, fresh off the plane shouting, "bloody 'ell, it's well hot out there!" I would know because I was one of those people the other day.
Side note - This lobby became known as 'The Jobby Lobby', because most of the time people from our party only came down to use the loo.
Side note - This lobby became known as 'The Jobby Lobby', because most of the time people from our party only came down to use the loo.
By the Pool [Dubai - Day 2]
Holy mother of god, it's hot. Really hot. The kind of hot you would imagine feeling whilst laid down on the surface of the sun, legs akimbo, with a Luke warm glass of water to keep you 'cool' (Which it wouldn't) I don't even like water (on it's own. if I didn't like water full-stop I'd most likely be extremely parched, as well as extremely dead) although in Dubai I'm drinking loads of it.
Went Kiyaking in the lagoon next to the hotel, which was nice. Plan to go Jet-skiing in the future. Forgot to mention that we saw a crab yesterday on the beach. It was definitely the fastest and most agile crab I'd ever seen. Gone in seconds. Apparently when a crab's drunk it walks in a straight line. Unfortunately I have no evidence to back this up.
Went Kiyaking in the lagoon next to the hotel, which was nice. Plan to go Jet-skiing in the future. Forgot to mention that we saw a crab yesterday on the beach. It was definitely the fastest and most agile crab I'd ever seen. Gone in seconds. Apparently when a crab's drunk it walks in a straight line. Unfortunately I have no evidence to back this up.
This is the pool we spent many-a-day beside. Lots of frolicking went on in that water.
Monday, 10 August 2009
Donkey Attack [Dubai - Day 1]
Just arrived at the hotel we'll be staying at for the next 9 days. Our driver who drove us from the airport to the hotel almost hit a donkey that ran across the road. You don't get that happening everyday in England now, do you? You'd be more likely to hit a hooded criminal than an animal. I'm liking Dubai alot. It's different.
Plane Journey [Dubai - Day 1]
Well that was fun. Remember when I specifically said that my worst nightmare would be to be sat behind a selfish person who reclines their seat all the way? Well it happened. Now I'm walking around the hotel with 5 hours to spare until we're allowed in our rooms looking like a zombie. Chin up Tom, chin up.
The Airport [Dubai - Day 1]
This evening we fly to Dubai from Heathrow. The thing that Frustrates me about the airport is that you can never understand what the man or woman over the tannoy is saying. It's like they're speaking through a row of sponges.
I suppose the next time I blog I'll either be at the airport or on the plane. I hope I'm not sat behind one of those really annoying people who recline their seats all the way back. Usually if that happens I give them a nice friendly (subtle but just noticeable) kick in the seat to warn them off. Anyhoozle, goodbye Blogspot! For now.
I suppose the next time I blog I'll either be at the airport or on the plane. I hope I'm not sat behind one of those really annoying people who recline their seats all the way back. Usually if that happens I give them a nice friendly (subtle but just noticeable) kick in the seat to warn them off. Anyhoozle, goodbye Blogspot! For now.
Click on 'Newer Post' to read about the next day in Dubai
Make a Wish
I'd like to punch slow-walking people in the back of the head whilst I'm in a crowded shopping centre, please. Do I have your permission?
Friday, 31 July 2009
'Fly on The Wall'
Why do people say they'd like to be 'a fly on the wall'? Right; so you'd like to be a flying insect smeared in the body fluids of other animals? Bit odd.
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Surprises
I love surprises. What I DO NOT like is finding blood on one of the sheets belonging to the hotel we're staying in. I didn't put that blood there, that's for sure. Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk!
Bournemouth - Day 1
Travelled down to Bournemouth today for a weekend break with family and family friends. Today has so far involved a long drive here, a walk down to the coast and a walk back to the hotel.
The weird thing about Bournemouth is the people that come here. Ive seen all types of people here. Upon arriving at the hotel [and this is a true story] and getting to our room our route to the end of the hallway where we wanted to get to was obscured by a naked man with a towel around his torso who decided it would be a good idea to ask my mum how he Should go around ironing his trousers. Our hotel is inhabitable, but it's not very good looking. The fact that naked men patrol the hallway doesn't help either. It's like a pornographic take on 'The Shining'.
The weird thing about Bournemouth is the people that come here. Ive seen all types of people here. Upon arriving at the hotel [and this is a true story] and getting to our room our route to the end of the hallway where we wanted to get to was obscured by a naked man with a towel around his torso who decided it would be a good idea to ask my mum how he Should go around ironing his trousers. Our hotel is inhabitable, but it's not very good looking. The fact that naked men patrol the hallway doesn't help either. It's like a pornographic take on 'The Shining'.
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